Walking Barefoot

Day 16: Internet shopping and letting go

2011-02-21T13:10:00.000-08:00

During the 40 Day Yoga Challenge, we were asked to consider giving up something. Initially, I thought we were going to be required to give up caffeine and alcohol and sugar, but these teachers are embracing a gentler encouraging style (this is Berkeley, home of anti-authoritarianism, after all.) Rather than requiring adherence to a strict set of rules, the teachers have suggested the path we might consider, leaving the decisions up to us.

In relief that I wasn't required to give up caffeine and alcohol - though I'm consciously trying to reduce my consumption of both - I've sworn off random online shopping for the 40 Days. It's been easy to justify internet shopping, as my wardrobe has slowly been going through a major upgrade from grad student clogs and hoodies to professional professorial chic. I typically have a hard time finding things I like when I set out to purposely shop, so when I see something that appeals to me, I tend to buy it. Still, my online shopping has been a little haphazard, and doesn't always fill in the necessities for my closet. This little break will allow me to be more aware of what I have and what I truly need.

These beauties caught my eye today. Maybe they'll find a good home with someone who's not on a shopping ban.

Tucker, via Piperlime

Via Piperlime

Days 9 - 12: Polarities

2011-02-19T08:00:00.000-08:00

With teaching and up-coming deadlines, my week felt extra busy. Why was I always so crunched for time? Oh, it's the two-three hours each day required to get myself to the yoga studio, change, practice, drive home and shower. The addition of this daily commitment sent me careening between the polarities of stress and stillness. Sitting in rush hour traffic, cursing the car trying to make a left turn ahead of me, I had plenty of time to contemplate the cosmic irony of getting stressed out on the way to yoga class - and the phenomenon of getting more stressed by doing more yoga. By adding an extra commitment to my day, yoga was creating more, not less, stress.

I don't think it's supposed to work this way. I suppose there's a reason why so many enlightened yogis in India were renunciates who had given up their homes, occupations and families to wander and meditate. Unperturbed by the many distractions of daily life, they had all the time in the world to practice postures, breathing and meditation, until - POOF - they became enlightened.

I've always appreciated the Tibetan Buddhist path that claims the way to enlightenment is not to escape from the world, but to find peace and enlightenment within it, and within the practice of daily activities. This path seems so much more practical to me: not everyone wishes to renounce the usual aspects of their lives, but everyone can seek enlightenment within their lives. I'm hoping that will be my experience of the 40 Day Yoga Challenge - a retreat from daily life within daily life. I started this challenge with the hope that the additional structure of going to yoga class every day would require me to become more structured and disciplined in my daily life. (God knows I need it when my task for an entire day is "write article." That clearly needs to broken down into more manageable and accountable steps.)

The retreat from daily life within daily life is working, but I'm not sure that I'm a calmer, more compassionate person outside of yoga class... when I'm stressing about getting to the next yoga class. Sometimes, I feel like a recovering addict, constantly looking for my next AA meeting, and scheduling my days around when I can get to a meeting. "No dear, I can't meet the plumber then, I'll be at yoga class... Can we push back the dinner? I have to go to yoga class first."

Today, I decided to take a break, using my one 'day of rest from asana' per week to go to the climbing gym inside of yoga class. I was pleasantly surprised by the strengthening and conditioning effects this first week of regular practice has had. Perhaps next week will bring the mental calmness I was expecting...

Day 8: Accountability

2011-02-17T20:22:00.000-08:00

I really didn't want to go to class tonight, even though it was my favorite teacher and a class I usually go to. I was exhausted, feeling wrung out from the week, just wanting to veg in front of the tv.

Fortunately, another 40 Day Challenger said to me yesterday evening, as we parted ways, "See you tomorrow."

Such simple words. And just enough to get me to class.

It got me thinking again about how we show up for one another in the world, and how simple actions of being present can inspire others to reach higher.

Days 7: Yoga on Skis

2011-02-12T17:00:00.000-08:00

During the 40 Day Challenge, Saturdays are reserved for group meetings of the participating yogis. We get information on diet, deepening the practice, staying motivated. I'm missing this week's Saturday meeting to play in the snow.

I've found a local yoga class so I won't miss a day of yoga. But it turns out yoga and skiing are actually quite similar. Cross country skiing is actually just a series of Forward Lunges, over and over.

Source

Afterward, downward-facing dog is always a good resting pose:

Source

Followed by headstand to relax tired legs:

Source

Eventually, I'll work my way up to Dancer on skis:

Source

Days 5 & 6: Gift Waves

2011-02-11T23:34:00.000-08:00

Each week of the Forty Day Yoga Challenge has a theme. This first week's theme was Presence: we were to start tuning into what is going on in our bodies, with our diet, with ourselves in the world around us. A week of Paying Attention, not zoning out. We kept track of our meals, noting when, what, and why we ate, and how it affected us. (Turns out I usually eat when I'm hungry, and feel more energized afterwards. That suggests that my diet's in pretty good shape, I think.)

The synchronicities of the week were rather amazing. At work yesterday, a colleague spoke about her grown daughter's presence as someone close to them died. During a lengthy period of decline of this loved one, the daughter stayed nearby, unwaveringly observing the present moment and witnessing the decline without flinching or turning away, promising to stay nearby, even though she lived across the country, until recovery was achieved (which turned out not to be possible). My colleague said that while others were undone by the death, the daughter remained calm, though sad, because she had fully embraced every moment of the decline.

The story was an incredibly moving reminder to pay attention to the important moments that are happening all around us, everyday.

Another colleague told me that in the Tibetan language, the term "presence," especially that of a lama or enlightened being, is literally translated as "gift waves." I love the idea that our focused attention on a person or situation might be felt emanating outward as gift waves, that attention itself is a gift.

Day 4: On showing up

2011-02-09T17:00:00.000-08:00

What does a yogi or yogini look like?

Tall, thin, buns of steel, guns perfectly defined, exceptional limber, beatific smile upon the face, eyes dreamily half-closed, rad dragon tattoo over the shoulder. Right? That's how a yogi - an American yogi, that is - looks in my mind's eye.

Then there's the Indian yogi in the loin cloth, long grey hair, and marigold mala. Perhaps with some colorful paint on his face. Possibly with a bit of a belly. Still with the beatific smile, though.

Like 19th century Yogavatar Shyama Charan Lahiri, also known as Lahiri Mahasaya, described in Autobiography of a Yogi.

Matching neither of these descriptions myself, I've never identified with the name. A yogi was someone else, someone who had practiced for a long time, someone who went on retreats, someone who practiced at home. Someone who used the term 'practice.' I was just someone who went to yoga class.

But when I had to introduce myself to the other 40 day challenge yogis, I realized that eleven years is quite a bit of experience with yoga, and studying in India did make me rather dedicated. Then when the instructor of the first class during the Challenge identified the "40 day challenge yogis," and the rest of the class applauded, I realized that maybe the flexibility, and slenderness, and tats didn't matter so much. What mattered was showing up.

Days 1-3: You say you want a revolution....

2011-02-08T22:56:00.000-08:00

Ye-aah, we all want to change the world.

And starting within, with the self, is where change begins. I saw His Holiness the Dalai Lama speak about world peace years ago. Much to my surprise, he spent most of his talk focusing on how to develop personal peace, through calming the mind. Only toward the end of his talk did he explain that world peace is impossible without personal peace and equanimity within, and that family, neighborhood, regional and global peace flow outward from the peace within.

I'm kind of on a yoga high in these first few days of the yoga revolution. Although it's a bit tricky to find time for class everyday, I leave feeling lighter and more energized.

However, I fear I'm making the world at large worse from my yoga practice. Why? Because I have increased my driving a hundred-fold, at least. I normally ~~bike~~ walk* to the train to get to work, bike or walk to do errands, and, like that famed little old lady, only drive my car once a week - usually to yoga.

But now I'm schlepping seven miles across town, typically in morning or evening traffic which is slow and congested, to attend yoga classes every day. It's too dark and cold in the evenings to bike, and with connections, the train takes nearly an hour. I hate to think of all the extra carbon dioxide and other pollution my car is spewing into the world so that I can be a calmer, more centered yogi.

This is the kind of transport I need:

Environmentally-sound yogic transport, as seen in Amsterdam, here.

Why not just find class in the neighborhood? When I find a teacher I like, I am shockingly dedicated. I have tried other teachers in the past few years, but always end up going to back to the same teacher, who seems to offer the perfect balance of physical challenge and spiritual practice. When I go to other classes, I'm like Goldilocks: that one's too slow, that one's too fast, oooo, this one's JUST RIGHT.

The benefit of the yoga challenge is that it forces me to branch out a bit, since my favorite teacher doesn't teach every day. Last night, I went to a class by a new teacher, that I normally would have passed by. The class was both intense and restorative - entirely different from my usual teacher's style of teaching - and the teacher had an incredibly soothing voice. I left the class unusually calm and energized. A really pleasant discovery.

*I did bike until stupid thugs stole my locked bike right off the front porch. In broad daylight. While I was home! I didn't answer when they banged on the door, and when I came out, the bike was gone. Joke's on them, though, because the 15-year-old mountain bike wasn't worth $50. But it sure was handy for tooling around town.

The Revolution Begins...

2011-02-05T13:29:00.000-08:00

Who I want to be when I grow up. via FFFFOUND!

Nearly 25 of us - lycra-clad, pony-tailed, mostly women, ranging in age from college students to grandmothers - crowded into the smaller room of the yoga studio to begin our 40 Day Yoga Challenge: Revolution from Within.

The program of 40 consecutive days of yoga, meditation, dietary changes, and calm focusing is based on noted yogi Baron Baptiste's book, 40 Days to Personal Revolution: A Breakthrough Program to Radically Change Your Body and Awaken the Sacred Within Your Soul.

Big promises for a program of just over a month, but my long-time yoga teacher, in whom I have great trust, promises that it is "ahhhh...mayyyyzzzing!"

Having felt a bit like a hamster on a treadmill for the past few years - unsteadily balancing grad school, fieldwork, personal life, work, learning to be a wife - it felt like time to reclaim a bit of spaciousness and sanity in my life. And fitness. I spent a month over the holidays doing nothing but eating delicious foods (probably as a come down from the hectic pace that preceded the holidays), and a month after the holiday fighting off a vicious cold (ditto). Time to ratchet back a bit and take stock of the moment.

There wasn't much active, hatha yoga in the two hour orientation today, though we were all prepared with our stretchy pants and yoga mats. Instead, the teachers invoked the Four Directions to watch over us and purify our practice during this program. I often feel a little itchy when well-meaning white people employ Native American practices, and today was no exception. The invocation seemed to be be half prayer, half instructions to the students. I would have preferred them separately. Also, I'm unclear on the connection between an ancient eastern Indian practice, and the Native American tradition.... is there really a match? Had we started off chanting in Sanskrit, I would have been more at ease. However, I'm trying to calm my judgmental, hyper-analytical mind, and what better time to begin than the beginning of the first class? Judgment noted and set aside.

The teachers gave some instructions on food choices, and noting our mood and energy level when we eat. I think that will be helpful. Even more, I need to note what I'm doing when I don't eat. During the week, I often get so caught up in meeting a deadline that I forget to eat, ending up grumpy and lightheaded hours later. I'm not really sure why this happens, and I know my days would be more pleasant if I ate healthy meals on a regular basis. This is a good reminder to pay attention to that.

Finally, we were released from our cross legged positions for a few Sun Salutations. I was ready to move, it felt good to stretch. But after only two Sun Salutations, we sat down again to proceed with introductions, facilitated by a Native American (again??) "talking stick." Yes, it helps group process to have an item for people to hold as they speak, but this east-west mashup is bugging me. Several people shared trying personal circumstances that had brought them to the class. Tears flowed. People shared their goals and desires for the class - for me, a greater sense of spaciousness and ease in my life, and a deepening of my yoga practice. Two people had been signed up by others - a husband and father, respectively - and the lone man in the class was there because his wife was also there. So many different motivations brought people to this program, and now we set out on a journey together.

I think the biggest challenge will be simply getting to yoga class six times a week. Usually, I go once or twice a week, and practice a few days on my own. Now I need to carve out time to get across town every day, and to meditate for five minutes each morning and evening. I'll try to write about it each day, and share my progress.

Eat less, weigh more

2011-01-12T11:26:00.000-08:00

At this time when zillions of people resolve to lose weight in the new year, a friend of mine is wondering how to gain weight. Especially now that she's cut sugar and all meat but fish out of her diet, she's having a hard time keeping her weight up. The months of nausea that have made all food unappealing haven't helped either. Like many women, she struggled with keeping her figure trim in the past. Now she's struggling to avoid looking skeletal.

In one of those cruelly unfair twists of fate, my friend, athlete, non-smoker, and mother of two small boys, has been undergoing cancer treatments for more than a year. She attended our wedding with her family just after finishing the first round of chemotherapy. I was too caught up in the whirl of the day to notice how gaunt she was. The treatments, along with the changes she's made in her diet to maximize nutrients and minimize toxic chemicals, have made it difficult for her to sustain her normal weight.

Her current search for healthy, nutrient-rich foods made me realize how much I take my body and all it can do for granted. I can feed it junk, I can feed it vegetables, still it (mostly) does what I want. (Though as I get older, I definitely feel more sluggish and spacey when I gorge on refined sugar and white flour than when I eat Brussels sprouts.)

Like so many other people, I resolved to get into better shape in the new year: lose the seven pounds I gained over the holidays (an extended bout of the appetite-killing Demon Cold seems to have taken care of that), stop eating fattening foods, eat more vegetables, get into aerobic shape, do more yoga.

When my friend wrote looking for advice about what foods could help her gain weight, I had an inspiration. I am going to "give" all my rich and fattening foods to her. Since she wants to gain weight, and I want to lose weight, I am going to "give" my nuts, cheeses, ice cream, pastas, etc. to her. Whenever I want to eat these foods, I'll symbolically pass them off to her, imagining her gaining weight and reclaiming her former strength and vitality. And I'll grab a carrot.

This will help me be more conscious of what I eat, and it will remind me of healthy, hearty foods that I can suggest to her. And hopefully, the constant stream of positive thoughts in her direction will have a positive impact on her health. At least, I hope so.

What are your favorite weight-inducing foods? Leave them here - even recipes! - I'll pass them on to my friend, and your diet will be lightened for the year. My friend doesn't eat sugar, so the ice cream, cookies and chocolate (my downfall) are still yours to handle.

Simply elegant silk wedding dress for sale

2011-01-08T18:30:00.000-08:00

It's a year on past the wedding, and I'm cleaning out my closet....

My first instinct for the wedding was that it would be a super-simple, no-fuss affair. Accordingly, I found a lovely ivory silk dress, by Tadashi, one of my favorite designers, that seemed perfect for the beach.

That was before I got in touch with my Inner Fairy Princess Bride, and realized that I needed something with much more drama and oomph. Simple was not to be.

Now I'm selling this first dress on ebay. Check it out, and let me know if you have any questions. The fabric is actually much more ivory than it appears in this photo. It's really lovely 100% silk, with a polyester lining.

I still think it would be perfect for a beach-side or mountain-top wedding...

Breath-taking

2010-11-10T00:21:00.000-08:00

Our Labor of Love

I'm pretty much over reading wedding blogs, but today I clicked over to this via Simple Lovely, and was astounded at these gorgeous images.

To be wed in Marrakesh, amid camels, candles and loved ones... now there's an adventure! More here.

Oh, and: the bride didn't wear white! Check it, Sera.

Not what I expected

2010-10-29T11:58:00.000-07:00

Our first anniversary, in my imagination: us, together.

A funky-chic B&B in the redwoods. Fancy clothes, frozen cake. Sipping Champagne on the deck, watching the sun sink into the Pacific Ocean.

source

Our first anniversary, in reality: me, myself, on a plane, somewhere over the Pacific Ocean, headed for Asia. Delay-plagued Skype calls home. Meetings into the evening.

Remembering the words of advice friends shared at the wedding:

"Love does not consist of gazing at each other (one perfect sunrise gazing at another) but in looking outward together in the same direction." (Anne Morrow Lindbergh, A Gift from the Sea)

"... And stand together, yet not too near together,
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow."
(“On Marriage,” from The Prophet, Kahil Gibran)

This is the lesson I learn again and again: It won't look like you expected. It may not bear any semblance to your imagination. It may be better than you ever imagined. It takes audacity to shape a marriage into your own.

(The redwoods and frozen cake can wait...)

A honeymoon 'du

2010-10-27T11:31:00.000-07:00

Suppose you were to go on your honeymoon to Nepal. You would choose autumn, of course, because the skies are the clearest, and the chance of rain the lowest. On good days, you would glimpse the snow-covered high Himalayas from Kathmandu Valley.

Before trekking around Annapurna or up to Everest Base Camp, you might choose to stay at the Godavari Village Resort, on the outskirts of Kathmandu, where you would find splendid views of idyllic rice paddies and hills, and possibly the high peaks glistening in the distance.

You could go for a morning walk through the mist, as farmers prepare for their day's labors in the fields.

On such a walk, you might come across a fertility temple, where Shiva lingams bless those hoping for children.

Making your way back for breakfast, meandering among the rice paddies, you could marvel at the mysterious placidity of the landscape...

And wonder if you might stay a bit longer to savor all the delights of a magical land.

I do, I do, Kathmandu!

2010-10-21T23:56:00.000-07:00

Newly-hatched ducklings fall for the first thing they see - mama duck or not - and will follow whoever, or whatever, this being is wherever it goes. The ducklings imprint on the first being - dog, duck or human - they lay eyes on, and that becomes central to their understanding of the world.

Or so I learned in high school biology. This theory may have been overthrown by now, but at the time I was fascinated by the idea that one brief experience could so profoundly shape the trajectory of the duckling's life.

I think it's the same with international travel. Wherever you go first, as an impressionable young thing, shapes all future approaches to travel.

Oddly, my first significant overseas trip (beyond the family jaunt to England when I was six) was to one of the least developed countries, half a world away. It now seems strange that growing up in a midwestern suburb, I would set my eyes on Nepal for my college semester abroad. Couldn't I ease into foreign travel, like my friends who studied in Florence and London? No, my rationale was that those places would always be there, but I would only be young and adventurous enough for the remote corners once.

I dove into the deep end, a distant place, foreign to my experience in every way, that expanded my brain until my ears were ready to pop off the sides of my head. The city was green, cows and bicycles vastly outnumbered cars, huge smiles lit the faces of everyone I met. I was in the thrall of the exoticism of the place - fragrant smoke from temples and kitchens hung in the air, around every corner lay a surprise, some curiosity I had never dreamed of - and being so far from home for the first time.

Since then, returning to Nepal, and especially to Kathmandu, feels like a sweet, crazy reunion, like re-meeting an exotic, jet-setting spinster aunt, whose bracelets jangle and whose sentences never quite make sense.

More than a decade after my college experience, a research fellowship granted me a year in Nepal, during which I kept a flat in Kathmandu, and spent months in the mountains. I fell in love with the city, even as it had grown choked with villagers fleeing Maoist rebels in the rural areas.

Car and motorcycles clogged the streets, the two-stroke engines causing a thick pall of pollution to fall over the bowl-shaped city in the winter. White shirts were grey by the end of the day, and a trip into the city center would result in hacking up black phlegm.

The friendliest people in the world were now suffering a deep depression as a civil war wracked the country and the throngs of tourists stayed home. No one wanted to take a vacation in the middle of someone else's war, much to the detriment of the Nepali economy. Despite the violence, pollution, curfews, and demonstrations, Kathmandu was still magical, the colors of saris and salwars a delight to the somber Western eye, the juxtaposition of religious monuments with urban squalor a constant reminder that enlightenment would not happen at some future place or time, it had to happen in the midst of the chaos of life.

Mt. Everest, the world's tallest peak, viewed from a plane.

A few years after that, I returned again, for a winter holiday break from my Himalayan research. Kathmandu, with its cosmopolitan tourists, banana pancakes, North Face gear, and trendy restaurants was the best approximation of home I could devise. I meant to attend a friend's wedding as well, though, confusingly, information about the date and time never materialized. These things happen in Kathmandu. Time is a malleable concept when living in the present. On New Year's Eve, the streets were packed with revelers from all over the world.

New Year's Eve, 2007, Thamel, Kathmandu

A week in the big city, receiving the ministrations of an ayurvedic spa, eating good food and shopping for gifts left me considerably restored and ready to return to work after the holidays.

Now, once again, my bag is nearly packed with two methods of water purification, a voltage adapter, an unlocked cell phone, sunscreen, layers, long pants, and plenty of books to keep me busy on the 14 hour flight. Kathmandu, here I come!

Wedding Guest Hat-astrophe

2010-09-20T07:00:00.000-07:00

The latest wedding invitation calls for "Kentucky Derby hats" in honor of the bride's home state. Hmmm.... I haven't been to Kentucky since I was a kid, and have no idea what's stylish at a horse race.

A quick Google search reveals that
1) Kentucky Derby hats are the size of UFOs
2) They are best worn with sundresses or linen suits,
3) It's hard not to look matronly in a huge hat unless you're British, and
4) All the best Hats are made in the UK. When we threw off the yoke of monarchy, we also lots a fair bit of our style.

I quickly concluded that I would not be purchasing a full-on Kentucky Derby hat that would get worn once and gather dust in the closet. Maybe a fascinator is the way to go, but the ivory one I wore nearly a year ago screams wedding.

I turned to my best friend Etsy, which did not disappoint...... For brides who embrace color, some of these could be fun.

CherylatHatLover

Amazing! And British. Like I said....

Hatsbycressida

Oooo, even more fun! I love the wild festiveness of this one! But, with a week before the wedding, I don't think it will get to California from the UK in time. Maybe for the next party....

The closest thing I found stateside was this lovely from Pegasusmaiden.

Pegasusmaiden

Flowers could be nice...

lovelygifts

This would be lovely for an ethereal forest nymph style wedding.

CastleMemories

Finally, I remembered that Satanica was all over the Interwebs when I was looking for wedding finery. And not everything they make is white.

Satanica

In a similar vein, for only $13, I like this headband from WeeGardens.

WeeGardens

More peacock feathers at LovMely.

LovMely

The Disco Flower is always fun, too.

Handle & Spout

What about you? Are you wearing fabulous headwear? What's your favorite source? Have you done the hat/ fascinator look for a night out?

Why can we walk barefoot on beach and not on mountain?

2010-09-15T16:46:00.000-07:00

This search query made me giggle, so I wanted to share it.

I'm not sure that the author of that question could find the answer on my blog. In fact, I would advocate walking barefoot on the beach, on the mountain, wherever your wandering feet take you... as long as there's no broken glass or hypodermic needles. Some of the best rock climbers climb barefoot.

Just for the record, I don't advocate walking barefoot at work (except in the privacy of your own office, or maybe at an off-site, outdoor retreat). Nor do I suggest walking barefoot on public transit (though I've seen it done), in crowded dance clubs and bars (smashed tootsies), or in restaurants (against health code). You can probably get away with it at the symphony, though, if you wear a long down/ floor length pants.

Here ends today's public service announcement.

The dilemma of the modern wife

2010-09-13T15:05:00.000-07:00

With the light slanting to indicate autumn, and the Bay Area temperatures finally approximating summer, I am transported to this time last year, and eagerly anticipating our first wedding anniversary six weeks from now.

During that week, Eric and I both have work-related travel scheduled. I was adamant that we should be together at least some time during the weekend on which our anniversary falls. He'll return from the east coast a day before I have to depart for an annual departmental retreat.

But wait! I've been invited to a week-long planning meeting for a really interesting project in Asia the same week. Participating in the meeting would mean missing the departmental retreat, and leaving the US two days before our anniversary. This, after I insisted that he get home in time to celebrate!

The timing feels like a cosmic joke: take the romantic route, choose to celebrate your anniversary on the actual day; or take the professional route, and jet off to Asia instead. To be clear, Eric is absolutely fine with me grabbing this opportunity now, and celebrating our anniversary with a long weekend up the coast later in the fall.

I'm the romantic here: we have a first anniversary only once, and I'd like to eat thawed wedding cake and dance around in my wedding dress on the actual day. The practical and ambitious side of me knows this is a great opportunity, and I'd be foolish to pass it up. Still, do they have to be on the same day?

What would you do, oh recent wives and brides-to-be???

If you must give wedding favors....

2010-09-12T14:44:00.000-07:00

A Green Revolution wedding might forgo favors to prevent unnecessary waste - how many people really eat those little almonds wrapped in tulle???

Or, you might show your good taste with gifts that can be used again and again...

A brightly-colored reusable tote, and fresh local organic produce will counteract too much cake and boozin', and remind your guests of your thoughfulness every time they go to the supermarket.

Thanks to Stephanie for the photo!

Telling stories

2010-08-24T12:23:00.000-07:00

When I started teaching, I was alarmed to learn that a female student had been dissuaded from particular areas of study by a senior professor who suggested that women were too enmeshed in the pragmatics of daily life to do the abstract theorizing necessary for higher scholarship. All my years of egalitarian experience slammed into the brick wall of outmoded attitudes about bodies and gender. As if living back in the Renaissance, scholars were supposed to be disembodied minds, removed from the material world, while women were consigned to the material world through the necessity of their bodies.

Apparently, this professor hadn't heard of the theorizing that arises from personal experience. Somehow, the notion that the personal is political had not infiltrated that particular ivory tower.

Fortunately, though, the blogosphere gives us a broad platform for telling women's stories - not only of weddings, but of marriages, careers and daily lives - and showing,through concrete example, how the personal and political intersect and shape one another. Telling stories is a concrete form of activism, a way of taking up space, giving voice to our experience, and saying that it matters.

Today, there are two spectacular stories about power, and change, and women's lives. You must read How Love Can Heal and Anna (of Accordians and Lace) on Idiosyncratic Skills. These are stories of the hardscrabble lives of women who probably have more useful, world-changing wisdom and insight in their little fingers than that ivory tower professor accumulated in countless years of theorizing.

What a difference a year makes!

2010-08-23T07:00:00.000-07:00

Psyche! This is not a wedding anniversary post. For that, you'll have to wait a couple more months.

This is a doctorate anniversary post. Equally significant in my mind.* The last academic hurdle: now I get to learn to be the expert. Sure, there are other hoops to jump through: tenure/ contract renewal, The Book, this #@$)~*%# article that's been torturing me all summer. For now, it's nice to know that I've got the Seal of Approval, entitling me to take on such projects.

Last year, I didn't even know it was summer. The only evidence of change was the creep of the afternoon sun up my office walls, where I was cloistered, 12-18 hours a day, pounding away at the dissertation that I had rashly promised my future employers I could complete in a year.

That hasty promise, made months before I began writing, before I even began analyzing the data, while I was, in fact, still in the field collecting data, came back to bite me in the butt** last summer as I typed furiously to meet a deadline that my advisor had initially said was impossible. I met it without a day to spare.

As 18th century author and lexiographer Samuel Johnson said, the prospect of a hanging concentrates the mind wonderfully. Indeed. I've always been deadline driven, and the biggest writing project of my life was no exception.

But, I missed some of my favorite things in life: ice cream on warm evenings, chatting with friends over cold drinks, travel, mountain hikes. All was put on hold for the tyranny of my final academic deadline. The constant panic and anxiety I felt spurred me on to work harder - when it didn't paralyze me. I was happy to have wedding planning as a constructive distraction when the dissertation felt just too weighty.

This summer, though, this summer... it's SUMMER!*** Though Eric had his own major deadline this summer, we've made the most of our freedom from strict schedules. We started out here, in May, following a work-gig that took Eric to Milan:

Bonus points if you know the locale.

Hint. (They clearly have great taste!)

By early June, we were soaking in art in Florence.

On a tour of a Tuscan castle winery, surrounded by a bunch of 20-something honeymooners from the States, we realized that it wasn't too late to consider our trip Part III of Multi-part Global Honeymoon Tour.

Former family home to the namesake of the Verrazzano Bridge

Next stop on the Global Honeymoon Tour was Seward, Alaska, where the food didn't exactly live up to that of Italy.

The best and biggest dinner around.

We earned our dinner by hunting the ever-elusive Loch Ness Monster...

(Ok, you got me. It's really a mother and baby humpback whale playing. Nessie prefers the Atlantic.)

....communing with friendly marmots (which apparently could grow to super-size with climate change)...

and visiting yet another receding glacier****...


Where it was in 1926

The Seward Exit Glacier today.

One of my work projects this summer took me to this spectacular spot, where people live off the grid, dependent on the sun for all their energy, and the mountain snowmelt for their all their water, including for the organic gardens. I was able to unplug from internet and gaze at the Milky Way each night for an entire blissful week. What a treat to have work that requires being in these beautiful mountains!

Lama Foundation, New Mexico

Finally, back home, we took in some local nature, at the awesome National Seashore just north of our wedding site.... more on that tomorrow.

* And all the sweeter (and way more bearable) for having someone to share it with. I cover my ears when he makes noises about getting a PhD. Does he really want to enter that special hell???

**Quite literally. I developed a tailbone injury from spending so much time sitting! My one break from the desk chair was to see the physical therapist who insisted that I get more exercise.

*** You'd never know it from the foggy, chilly weather here in the Bay, though.

**** The cynical among you may be asking what my contribution to climate change is, with all this flying around. This issue continues to vex me. My work and family life are both international in scope, and it's hard to reconcile keeping up with my family and my field while being worried about climate change. When I'm home, I rely on my bike and hope that it offsets my plane travel a little.

From the land and back again: A Virginia farm wedding

2010-08-20T07:00:00.000-07:00

Let me present Exhibit A in my case that weddings can be gorgeous, green and environmentally-conscious. Marisa, who blogs at Park & Belmont, responded to my call for stories and inspiration about planning a consciously sustainable and eco-friendly wedding. Oh boy, did she ever succeed! The flowers for the wedding, and much of the food, were grown on her family's farm, where the wedding was held. Even better, the biodegradable cutlery and plates went back into the land as compost after the wedding. Talk about coming full circle.

We spent about $12,000 on our wedding for 250 people which took place on my family's farm in Rappahannock County, Virginia.

The Place: A family tradition

Padua is an extremely important place to our family. It originally was owned my great-grandmother and my grandmother, and though my parents are the primary "owners" of the house and the fields, when I refer to "our family" I'm also including my father's 8 brothers and sisters and their children (my cousins). It is an important and wonderful place to all of us, and I hope a few of my cousins will decide to get married at Padua as well.

While the venue was taken care of, it look a lot of sweat to get the farm in order. We spent many weekend planting and seeding the garden and building rock walls. Getting the farm in order was hard, but it was also a moving experience as both sides of the extended family came to help on several work days.

Jon and I are up there quite a bit (though not as much as we were prior to the wedding). It is a small farm, but it is functioning. My mother sells her produce, flowers and pies at the Charlottesville farmers market every weekend and we have six cows which roam the numerous acres at their leisure and which will eventually become organic grass fed beef.

The Wedding Vision: "Local, seasonal and beautiful" [and clearly a ton of fun!]

Our primary goal, was that our wedding be local, seasonal and beautiful. We also wanted a wedding that was laid back, fun and inviting.

My dress was J. Crew and came from OnceWed. It was a steal ($58!!!!).

My mother, her two best friends and my maid of honor created all 11 bridal bouquets, all 28 table centerpieces, and "aisle" flowers for the wedding.

All of the flowers were seasonal and were grown locally by our family or my mother's friends. They were absolutely stunning.

The Food: Regional delicacies

We have large families and good food is important to both sets of relatives. Having good food was definitely the most important aspect of our wedding. Jon's family is from Wisconsin and so our appetizers were Kewaskum cheese and summer sausagues, driven down from Kewaskum, Wisconsin by Jon's amazing aunts and uncles three days before the wedding.

We hooked up with a local county caterer who used lots of veggies from our late August harvest in her recipes, thus discounting the total fee and ensuring the food was local. Rather than serve one main course, we had pulled pork barbque and 20 different salads. We had pie for dessert, all baked by my amazing and awesome mother, made with apples from Nelson County, Virginia.

Seriously, so much love went into the food - it was the best part of the wedding and there was more than enough food for everyone. The beer was Starr Hill, brewed an hour and a half away in Crozet, Virginia, (the brewery provided biodegradable cups), and the Wine was Gabrielle Rausse, a Virginia vinter (and luckily a family friend) located just outside of Charlottesville, Virginia.

The Special Touches: Edible, Reusable, Decomposable

We had clearly labled [composting] bins that were obvious to even the tipsiest of guests. The day after the wedding was spent properly composting the plates and cutlery with my brother in our family's garden. [Eds. note: Call me a green geek, but this is my absolute favorite detail of the wedding! I love the idea of the party leftovers returning to the ground to enrich the soil at the family farm.]

Our wedding would have been squat if it wasn't for our family and friends. They helped us so much- our DJ was a dear friend, and his wife (one of my bridesmaids) made chocolate covered pretzel favors for guests.

The majority of our guests camped out, but those who chose not to were bused in and taken home at the end of the night, thus reducing the number of cars on the road and preventing DUIs and accidents.

Again, our wedding would have been nothing without the love and support of our family and friends.

The amount of effort that goes into creating a sustainable, practical, local wedding is huge. Not only was September 5, 2009 the day that Jon and I promised to love and cherish each other for the rest of our days, it was the day that two families came together as one community, and had a rocking good time :). The fact that everyone participated and enjoyed themselves added even more value to this already important day. Jon and I felt so unbelievably loved it was incredible.

Our photographer, the wonderful and amazing Denny Henry, is a former co-worker of mine, and did a fantastic job capturing the mood of the wedding.

I asked Marisa what prompted her to plan her wedding with an eye to environmental sustainability. She said:

I don't think anything really prompted us to take considerations for a green, local, sustainable wedding--it is just who we are, as a couple and as a family. My parents have always tried to live and create a sustainable lifestyle and it has rubbed off on me...lucky I have married a man who embraces sustainability whole-heartedly. Growing up in Charlottesville, we had a large garden and chickens in our back yard (for eggs), we never had a dishwasher, always recycled, composted and always sun dried our clothes (my mother has never even owned a dryer, and I don't think even knows how to work one). As a kid, I think I was sometimes embarrassed of how "into sustainability" my parents were, but now that I'm older I'm so grateful that their values have been ingrained in me! The wedding just was the way it was because that is how our family operates, we are frugal, like our food and flowers fresh and local, respect the earth, and are blessed with amazing and creative friends and family. I don't think Jon and I could have had a wedding that was any other way. It was just us. We felt comfortable, we felt like ourselves. It was beautiful.

Beautiful, indeed! Thank you so much, Marisa, for taking the time to walk us through the details of your gorgeous wedding, and for sharing inspiration for other sustainability-minded brides and grooms!

This wedding has so many wonderful sustainability-oriented principles and practices, not the least of which is giving the guests a place to camp overnight, so they don't have to worry about drinking and driving. And, composting = love!

I'm looking forward to sharing other examples of weddings planned with environmental sustainability in mind. If you've got something to share, please send it my way.
Green smooches to all!

Sustainable wedding, sustaining marriages

2010-08-18T07:00:00.001-07:00

Ever since a certain fancy inspiration blog got my dander up by being nominated for best "green" blog, and I wrote a post calling for a Green Revolution in weddings, I've been thinking about 1), why someone would take environmental and social responsibility into account in planning their wedding, and 2), what those terms, bandied about so freely these days, mean, or could mean, in relation to weddings. These days you can find the labels 'sustainable', 'green' and 'eco-friendly' on the most unlikely of products - just another marketing tool - so it's worth trying to parse the meaning a bit. There are some good tips around the internet (here and here), as well as many others, no doubt.

For now, I want to take on the first question: Why would someone plan an eco-conscious wedding?

Four reasons occur to me (chime in with more!):

1) The economic reason: Economists know that wasteful processes cost more, so businesses seek efficiency with materials and labor. Applied to a wedding, the economic reason might mean cutting down on unnecessary or expensive items (inner envelopes with invitations, aisle runners, favors for guests, number of invitations, number of guests) to save money, and consequently create less environmental impact. Cost-cutting measures that decrease the amount of stuff consumed at the wedding (one-time-use stuff - see, e.g. the wedding dress!) are essentially also eco-conscious measures.

2) The outdoorsy reason: It's fashionable these days to get married at a spectacular outdoor site that bears some connection to the couple's personal interests - skiing, hiking, swimming, being outdoors. These outdoor sites often end up providing much of the decor through their own inherent beauty. If the sites are remote or difficult to reach, it may mean that less 'wedding gear' is transported to the site. Couples may choose these sites as a statement of their values and interest in enjoying and protecting the outdoors. Of course, outdoorsy sites can still support the full-on splash-out, with imported flowers and decorations galore.

3) The values reason: Though not necessarily separate from the other two reason, this one is the most interesting to me. Traditionally, weddings were held in houses of worship that represented the couple's cultural and religious traditions. Holding the wedding in such sacred space, and adhering to the traditions of that space honors the values represented by the religion: faith, hope and charity, and the like. The religious traditions also offer teachings about honoring and caring for Creation: stewardship for the Earth, tikkun olam, repairing the world. So I'm wondering if any couples are planning sustainable weddings as an expression of their religious values?

4) The future reason: Along with meeting my darling nephews, getting married has been the rite-of-passage that has put me most in touch with time unrolling into a distant future. Suddenly, rather than planning a day ahead (or a week at best), I was making a promise for the rest of my life. And when I thought about the time stretching in front of us, I really, really wanted to know that the future world we and our families would live in would be just as gorgeous, diverse, vibrant and full-of-life (if not more so) than the one we inhabit now. But I think we, or our parents' generation (maybe grandparents'?), were the first to have to contemplate that the glorious future we could imagine might not come to pass. With the unleashing of the atom bomb in the 1940s, our parents and grandparents realized that absolute destruction of life was possible. Now, with climate change (wacky weather suggests that it's already happening) and the global biodiversity crisis (species are going extinct at 100 to 10,000 times the usual rate in what scientists call the Sixth Mass Extinction), it appears that the world of the future might not be quite as rich and lively as the world of the present.

When I think about sustaining my marriage into that future - whatever it holds, richer or poorer, better or worse, on the local or global scale - I feel ever more called to do whatever I can do right now to make that future more positive. This for me is the most compelling reason for planning a sustainable wedding: as a solid foundation, and a vote of optimism for a sustaining and sustainable marriage.

Just like I've become better about flossing my teeth since we got engaged - how embarrassing it would be to lose my pearly whites! - I've become better about riding my bike around town (the exercise will keep me around, and prevent the drowning of another polar bear) and seeking out local, organic, whole foods (let's eat our veggies now, rather than deal with a chronic illness in the future). I realize that none of these steps is a guarantee against calamities that could happen in the future, but it feels better to do something positive than nothing. And that's what I want my marriage to be about, too: doing something positive and sustaining.

Notes from the field: Haven't we been here before?

2010-08-17T14:32:00.000-07:00

A year ago, I went to Data Monkey and Mountain Man Mike's wedding at the gorgeous, redwood-clad Pema Ose Ling, in the Santa Cruz mountains.

Today, I go to another wedding in the same spot. I've never been to the same wedding venue twice. I'm so curious how it will be different.

It will be different for me: I'm going stag, because Eric has to work. I haven't gone solo to a wedding in quite a few years. I thought that was over, now that I have a date-for-life.

But I'm not about to miss a good party, where I'll get to see some of my wedding gear have a second (or third) life. So happy to keep the wedding co-op going.

Quite a surprise

2010-08-16T22:54:00.000-07:00

Apparently, my little piece o' blog-estate has been noticed readers and a panel of 5 judges*, who have determined that it is one of the Top 50 Wedding Blogs**.

Wow. Thanks, folks. I'm honored that someone took time to notice this little blog, and commend it... 'specially since I haven't been so on top of posting lately.

I've added a neat-o badge over there on the right to commemorate this auspicious day in the life of my blog. (We're growing up, honey. Survived that first year, got past the post-wedding doldrums. And now our persistence and pluckiness has been recognized. The sky's the limit!)

This is good motivation to get back onto a regular posting schedule, too. After all, we can't rest on our laurels. Got to live up to our new rep. With that in mind, I've got an awesome oh-so-sustainable wedding to share with you, as well as some updates about my jaunts this summer (you can see a lot of the world when you're not obsessed with wedding planning!).

*This award is given by Online Schools, which appears to be a clearinghouse for information about what we in the academic world call "distance education," a topic about which I have mixed feelings, as my department considers how we might expand in this area. Online Schools also sees "individual blogs as classes, and the posts as courses, and the bloggers as professors." So, welcome to class! Although academia doesn't tend to value this kind of informal writing (heaven forefend if my department knew I blogged about something as commonplace as weddings), the Intertubes do, and I'm glad to have this outlet.

**Yeah, even your personally-biased author here knows that's a bit of a stretch, but it's nice to be mentioned in the same breath with the big girls, like A Practical Wedding, Wedding Cabaret, Offbeat Bride and SMP. Holy cow! Thanks again!

Recap #7: From Inspiration to Reality

2010-07-27T07:00:00.000-07:00

As I was cleaning out the no-longer-needed wedding inspiration files on my computer and browser, I was pleased to see how the inspirational images I'd saved - mostly, I think, from that bottomless jar of eye-candy, Style Me Pretty* - were born out in reality. Though I despaired of ever creating a wedding that could live up to the ethereal images on SMP with a down-to-earth budget, these show that a little ingenuity, and a great photographer, can converge to bring on the pretty.

Inspiration

The relaxed, familial, beach-party feeling of this was just the vibe I wanted...

Reality

We rented enough chairs for all the adults, and spread out beach blankets for the kids. They got to have fun digging in the sand during the ceremony.

Inspiration

Oooo... the way the blue flags pick up the moody water of the sea....

Reality

Yes, with some bamboo poles from the hardware store, and some flags stitched by Mom (one of our few DIY - or DIFMP [for me, please] - projects), the flags define the wedding space without an altar or other religious symbol.

Inspiration

Sweet, simple bouts. I'm not so much a fan of roses, and lavender wasn't allowed on the beach because of invasive species restrictions, so we ended up with rosemary (for remembrance) instead.

Reality

Inspiration

I'm a big fan of bright, non-matching wedding party outfits. My Women of Honor decided that they wanted to match. For the rest of the ushers and readers, we suggested the wedding colors of persimmon, pomegranate and cobalt blue. They looked great!

Reality

Inspiration

Bright, bold blooms would energize the rustic setting, and echo the wedding party's bright colors...

Reality

Dahlias were lush, local, and seasonal!

Inspiration

Reality

Ok, one big difference between a SMP wedding and a DIY/ DIT one is the bushels of flowers. I think we vastly under-ordered on the flowers, but they just weren't important enough to spend gobs of money on.

Inspiration

Reality

In the final analysis, though, I like my bouquet even more than the inspiration photo! Even more so because our florist adapted to the strict National Park restrictions to ensure that non-native plants could not invade the park. (It occurs to me that I have absolutely no idea what happened to it after the wedding - flowers are so ephemeral. Against all bridal tradition, we might have composted it! Hopefully, the nutrients are returning to the soil, so that they and the love of that day can nourish flowers for someone else's wedding.)

*I no longer have the links or correct attributions for the inspiration photos. If one of them is yours, please let me know and I'll post a link or remove, as you request.

Vote Early and Often!

2010-07-21T16:35:00.000-07:00

If you read this blog, it's likely that you also read some of the blogs that have inspired me, like The Broke-Ass Bride and A Los Angeles Love. Back when I didn't think any one even noticed me, Broke-Ass was one of the very first commenters on this blog... to remind newbie blogger me that I needed to provide attribution of my sources of inspiration, including things I saw on her blog (ooops! Thanks for the head's up on this rookie mistake!)

Dana, the original Broke-Ass Bride, consistently provides funny, thoughtful and eco-friendly commentary on planning a wedding on a budget. Becca, of A Los Angeles Love, articulates a lot of the thoughts I've had about weddings and marriage with way more eloquence, insight and raw honesty than I've been able to muster. I've enjoyed following their journeys, and appreciate the individual ways that each of these bloggers has used the lens of her individual challenges in wedding planning to provide insight into the larger phenomenon of planning a wedding in the US in the early 21st century.

Both of these talented writers are among the finalists for the Wedding Channel's Best Bridal Blog Award. Vote here (every four hours) for your favorite!

A Green Revolution (in weddings)

2010-07-15T07:00:00.000-07:00

After my post yesterday, I got to thinking what a huge impact more consciously sustainable weddings could have.

How many people get married each year? 2,152,00, according to this wedding report. (Imagine how that will grow as marriage equality becomes reality!)

Ok, so there are more than two million events each year. Some are small, just close family and friends at city hall or in a house of worship. However, the same report figures the average number of guests per wedding at 128. So to balance out all the ten person weddings, there are some weddings with several hundred people in attendance.

All these guests have to be provided with refreshments and seating and entertainment, and therein lies a huge potential for positive change.

I'm inspired by the Green Congregations movement, in which Christian congregations affirm their commitment

to care for creation ... [and] affirm the creation in all its glory and beauty. [They] acknowledge God as the source of all things.... As a result, [they] strive to respect all of life as sacramental. [They] accept our vocation as earth-keepers who care for creation. ...

What I like about this statement is that it's not dogmatic or sanctimonious. It does not say how congregations should express their care for creation, only that they value God's creation and affirm their duty to protect it.

Further on in the Green Congregation handbook, specific steps are suggested, first for taking an inventory of how the congregation does business, including Worship, Education, Building and Grounds, and Public Ministry, and then suggests ways that congregations might work to lessen impacts in these areas (eg., install compact fluorescent bulbs in church buildings, reduce the use of pesticides on church lawns).

Imagine how much difference just one of these actions would make: if every house of worship in the country stopped using toxic herbicides and pesticides on their lawns and gardens, we'd have many, many fewer tons of toxic compounds running off into storm drains, rivers, lakes and oceans. And that's just from one tiny change.

Another example is Transition Towns, communities where folks gather to explore the question: how can our community respond to the challenges, and opportunities, of Peak Oil and Climate Change?

They raise awareness about current conditions, connect with existing groups in their towns, and assess various sectors of the town (food, energy, transport, health, etc.) to find out what actions are needed to reduce dependence on fossil fuels and create a more sustainable and liveable community.

I'm talking about the power of community here. If people in a particular community, whether religious or secular, chose to change their lifestyles to take the well-being of the Earth into greater consideration, the cumulative impact of those actions can be HUGE!

Interfaith Power and Light is one such organization that helps religious congregations walk their talk in caring for creation. Interfaith Power and Light

[helps] buy energy efficient lights and appliances, provid[es] energy audits and iimplement[s] the recommendations, encourag[es] people to buy more fuel efficient vehicles and to drive less, support[s] renewable energy development through “greentags,” [and] work[s] on large-scale renewable energy installation projects such as rooftop solar and advocating for sensible energy and global warming policy.

Since weddings are (often) religious and spiritual events (supposedly 80% occur in churches and synagogues, but I'm not leaving you out, secularists), can we build on these ideas toward a Green Wedding movement? Toward an authentic environmentally-conscious wedding movement, not another shopping spree for eco-friendly favors (though that could be part of it, if favors are a must).

Not a 'greener-than-thou' competition over whose Mason jars have been used more often (passed down from my grandmother!) or how many tons of waste have been diverted from the landfill by forgoing disposable aisle runners and paper decorations, but a movement that begins with a thoughtful approach of assessing what is involved in the wedding, like the Green Congregations movement, and then thinking about how each of those components might be adapted to lessen their environmental impact.

Maybe consultants like Interfaith Power and Light would spring up to assist couples in reducing their environmental impact. Many of us already take on a careful calculus in seeking to lessen budgetary impact. Can we incorporate environmental considerations, too?

Green? Really???

2010-07-14T12:43:00.000-07:00

Seeing that some of my bloggy friends were vying for the Wedding Channels Bridal Blog Awards, I checked out the contenders. It's exciting to see some of the awesome blogs that I've been reading ever since the first days of wedding planning being nominated for the title of 'best blog.' I'm excited to see who wins!

But.... the category of Best Eco-Friendly Bridal blog is getting me down a bit. Is this the best of the best when it to comes to planning an eco-friendly wedding??? Now, I love Green Wedding Shoes. It's one of the few inspiration blogs I still read because the images are consistently gorgeous. I've been reading it since... forever.... and a few sustainable weddings (including my own!) have been featured there. But I never thought of it as an explicitly eco-friendly wedding blog.

Are there no practical folks planning sustainable weddings? Where are the offbeat eco-friendly brides and grooms? We need stories and inspiration from real people, describing their successes and challenges in creating weddings that honor their love AND the Earth. More stories like A Low Impact Wedding.

Here's the challenge: it's time for those couples who are planning consciously eco-friendly weddings to step out of the background... come out of the forest... down from the mountain... out of the ocean... where ever you are hanging out, and share your stories of your green/ sustainable/ organic/ environmentally-conscious weddings. If you've got one to share, I'll gladly feature it here.

Notes from the field: Yosemite wedding

2010-07-06T05:30:00.000-07:00

We had a spectacular time at Doc Water and Doc Bee's Yosemite wedding last fall. (It was so much fun that I took very few pictures!) Doc Water is one of those people who knows absolutely everyone, so it came as no surprise that one of her brother's in law was the co-owner of a lodge in Yosemite that was a perfect wedding venue.

Somehow, in the midst of finishing postdocs and preparing to move to the East Coast, the two doctors put together a super-fun and stylish wedding weekend, that included a scavenger hut, a crazy hat party, feathered angels wings, matching socks for all the male relatives, plenty of dancing, and, if the rumors are to be believed, some midnight streaking.

Read all about it at San Francisco Style Unveiled. And see a bunch more photos at First Comes Love - this is my favorite!

Summertime Heaven: Homemade Lemon Gelato

2010-07-02T05:30:00.000-07:00

Take Meyer lemons, handpicked from the tree out back.

Heat cream and eggs 'til steamy.

Stir in sugar and vanilla.

Cool, then...

Whirl in one of these:

KitchenAid, at Williams-Sonoma

Add you've got a little slice of summer heaven. Can't get enough of the stuff.

I was going into withdrawal after we returned from Italy, where we were on the constant lookout for the best gelato - which meant tasting many different varieties. Grom was declared the winner. Oh, you lucky New Yorkers - you've got one nearby!

We'll have make do with the recipe I found here.

So far, the ice cream maker might be our most-used wedding gift. Every time I use it, I remember the sushi and ice cream dinners my friend and I used to have. Could there be two more perfect foods?

This post has no affiliation with KitchenAid or Williams-Sonoma. I just love homemade ice cream.

Furla Fashion Fumble

2010-07-01T05:00:00.000-07:00

After two weeks in Italy - which included four days in Milan, the fashion capital of the WORLD, and home to the flagship stores of such luminaries as Dolce & Gabbana, Prada, Versace and Emilio Pucci - I came home empty-handed. Somewhat unbelievably.

When we left for Italy, my plan was to buy a decent handbag to upgrade my professional image, and more than likely, a pair of shoes, because, well.... I love shoes and Italians make wonderful shoes. With a plan and a full day on my own while Eric was lecturing, it seemed to be a foregone conclusion that I would score some stylish Italian accessories.

But: NOTHING!

My tour of the "Golden Quadrangle," Milan's fashion center, left me feeling a bit out of my element. If Gucci and Prada don't fit my lifestyle at home, what was I doing at these glitzy stores in Milan? When a $1200 evening gown at Valentino began to look reasonable (because, uh yeah, I have so many black tie events to go to...), I knew I had to get out of the neighborhood.

On the way to yet another cathedral, Eric and I passed a Furla shop. Angels were singing and a beam of light landed on a perfectly balanced, stylishly simple handbag. Laaaaaaaaaa!

I lust after these Italian handbags, but at $400-500 in the US, they're quite a bit out of my price range. When we stopped to admire the bags, I noticed that they were around 200 Euros. Still expensive, but far less than at home.

Much to my dismay, I paused. I choked.

My shopping karma deserted me.

We kept walking. I didn't throw down my credit card for one of those buttery-soft leather confections.

Now I see delicious handbags everywhere,

patkas, via Simply Lovely

Morelle, who is sadly closing her shop.

or maybe it's still open here.

but they do not measure up to my Furla dreams.

Today's travel lesson: Know your exchange rates inside and out, so you can quickly calculate in your head (200 Euros = $247, fully half the price of a Furla bag purchased in the US!).

Also, know the approximate cost of things you are thinking of buying, easy to research on the web. I didn't fully realize the price differential between a Furla purchased in Italy and one purchased in the US until I got home and checked Furla US's website. Had I been aware of this difference, I might not have choked!

Recap #6: Cheap and Green Decor

2010-06-30T05:30:00.001-07:00

We wanted our wedding to have a smallish environmental footprint, so it was important to us that the minimal decor we used be reused and reusable.

For reused items, eBay was my very best friend. To orient our guests to the importance of the place was chose for the wedding, I ordered a bunch of vintage linen California postcard from the 1900-1940s.

We used these both as simple Save the Dates (printed the wedding information on 3x5 stickers, and pressed them on the back of the postcards), and as escort cards, strung on twine with clothespins, which were the first thing guests saw when they arrived at the wedding site.

Postcards were a fitting theme, as both of us love to send postcards from our travels. I found some vintage toy mailboxes on eBay which complemented the postcard theme on the guest book table.

The postcard theme was picked up on the dining tables, where postcards from places we'd traveled together were the markers for each table.

The dinner table decor was simple:

Local, seasonal dahlias in blue glass vases (re-purposed wine glasses from Crate and Barrel, which guests report they love using post-wedding),

Persimmons and pomegranates, local, seasonal fruits, which guests reported enjoying for days after the wedding, and sunflowers in reused vases from eBay.

We were able to borrow white lights from a classmate who got married at the same spot the previous year,

And scored a bunch of borrowed/ donated paper lanterns from two weddings we attended previously that summer. (These lanterns and some of the vases have now been handed off to a friend getting married in August. Yay, Wedding Co-op! Yay, reuse!)

At the origami table, guests made paper cranes for good luck.

I think our budget for decor was maybe $200. We spent another $300 on cut flowers, which friends arranged in our vases.

With the beauty of the location, we didn't have to do much.
Images, except for a few, by the incomparable Kate Harrison.
#1, 11, 12 by Doc Water.
Heron by Srabani.

Recap #5: The Unexpected Perils of Being Barefoot

2010-06-29T05:30:00.002-07:00

Style flash:
Matching striped sock photos are OUT.
Matching INVISIBLE sock photos are IN.
Observe....

Some brides have multiple dresses*, with a different one for the reception - I had multiple footwear options.

I wore flipflops to the beach, was barefoot for the ceremony - it's hard to describe just how comforting and grounding it was to dig my toes into the warm sand as waves of emotion washed over me - and then rocked the Jimmy Choos at the reception.

One thing I didn't take into account when planning these changes of footwear was how I'd manage to free my feet of sand so they'd be pretty for the Jimmys.

We left paintbrushes for the guests to clean off their feet.

In my poufy dress, I couldn't manage it myself. In his first act of spousal caring, Eric came to the rescue.

When I got to the reception site, my brother helped me get the remaining grit from between my toes.

Images (except #2 & #3) by the spectacular Kate Harrison.
2 and 3 by the supremely talented Doc Water.

From the beach to the mountains...

2010-06-28T16:08:00.000-07:00

Rustic outdoorsy weddings are awesome no matter where they take place. Jes of A Mountain Bride asked me to do a guest post while she was on her honeymoon. I revealed my secret strategies for combining wedding planning and grad school. Go check it out!

Irony: Defined

2010-06-25T10:59:00.000-07:00

14K gold and diamond on Gilt

Honeymoon, Part III: How to choose a destination

2010-06-25T05:30:00.000-07:00

If you've read the last two posts about our Patagonian honeymoon, in which rarely saw the sun, wore down jackets 24/7, and traveled with four other women, you might be thinking that we were a bit unclear on the concept.

Fact is, we had already slightly shortchanged ourselves on the most important purpose of a honeymoon: a time to relax and reconnect and revel in being married, after the stress and busyness of a wedding.

Though we took a few days to rest and revel on the California coast right after the wedding, our respective teaching obligations required us to be back at work after three days. It's very difficult to take time off in the middle of the semester.

By the time the end of the semester rolled around, and we were ready for a bigger trip, we had also been reveling in being married for three months, and felt less of a need for a lazy or romantic trip. We were eager for the activities that had been put on hold while I was writing my dissertation.

We also wanted a trip that was high on our Life Lists (funny, looking at it now, I don't see Patagonia, but I know it was there). Neither of us had beach vacations on our lists. Though Hawaii is relatively close and convenient, and has good hiking, Eric isn't keen on it. So... to the mountains we'd go.

Choosing a honeymoon destination is also another opportunity to practice the discussion, decision-making, and collaboration skills that prove so valuable during wedding planning.

As I mentioned earlier, we each made a list of places we'd like to visit, and then harmonized those lists, prioritizing places we both wanted to visit the most.

We also made lists of what we wanted to get out of the honeymoon. We realized that we'd be tired after hiking and trying to speak Spanish for a couple weeks, so it would be nice to have a place to relax before jumping into spring semester. The parameters for that place were that it should be:

warm (no more down jackets!)
sunny (no more rain and snow! rainy Hawaii was out)
English-speaking (no more Spanish! Mexico was out)
near water
uncomplicated (Jamaica was out; all inclusive resorts were in)
warm, no I mean really warm (I can get cold in 75 degree weather)
require no more than two plane flights to get to
not too expensive

We got a guidebook to the Caribbean, and realized that all our parameters pointed to the island of Antigua. So went went, uncharacteristically for us, to an all inclusive resort, and lay on the beach drinking daiquiris.

(We were so relaxed, I don't even have photos!)

Patagonian Honeymoon, Part II

2010-06-23T05:30:00.000-07:00

Patagonian Icecap

After drinking our fill of Pisco sours on the estancia, and touring the glaciers and fjords, we met up with four friends from home who were hiking the Circuit in Torres del Paine National Park. The Circuit, which requires more than a week, traverses wild Patagonian backcountry, and sees relatively few visitors.

We joined our friends for the "W", along the "front" of the Paine massif, where you can hike from lodge to lodge, sleeping in comfort. We didn't need to carry sleeping bags, tent, stove, or food. At the refugios, we got hot showers and hot meals at the end of the day. We were even able to order glasses of Chilean wine - or Pisco sours - for a civilized toast at the end of each day. When we set out the next morning, the lodge staff provided a packed lunch - sandwich, fruit, chips, drink, cookie - for the next days' hike. This was luxury backpacking! Meanwhile, our hardcore friends were camped out in the incessant Patagonia wind, heating up freeze dried food with their tiny gas stoves.

A rare moment of sun outside Lodge Paine Grande

At most of the refugios, we stayed in bunk rooms with four to six other people - not exactly the most romantic honeymoon setting! However, in addition to the bunk rooms, Refugio Los Cuernos had several small private cabins, with views of milky blue Lago Nordenskjöld below, and, through a skylight, the jagged Cuernos (horns) del Paine, above.

Even better, though, was the open-air wood fired hottub. After four hours of stoking the fire, the water was finally warm. On one of the few clear nights, we luxuriated under the stars, letting the heat soak exhaustion out of our muscles.

views of Los Cuernos from Valle Frances

On the final day of the hike, Eric and I rose at 4:00 am to climb a few thousand feet to the top of the ridge, where we could watch the sun illuminate the park's namesake Torres. The images of these iconic peaks had seered in my mind from the mountaineering literature that I consumed voraciously during college and after - stories of rock and ice, early starts, howling winds, and harrowing ascents.

Though Eric and I have nowhere near the technical skill - or, after experiencing the atrocious Patagonian weather, the desire - to climb these peaks, they remained lodged in my mind as one of the Natural Wonders of the World, like Half Dome or the Everest region, that I simply had to see.

The view did not disappoint. After bearing with weather that changed on a whim, even in the austral summer, from clouds to rain, to wind, to sleet, to wind, to snow, to clouds, to sun, to rain, during our two weeks in Patagonia, we were suddenly blessed with a brief respite of sun.*

The golden beams graced the Towers right at sunrise...
... just before another snow storm blew in.

*Being near Antarctica, Patagonia is reknowned for some of the worst weather on the planet. The winds are so strong that some town plazas and sidewalks have ropes for people to grab to avoid being blown into the streets.

Just add giant hair flower

2010-06-21T16:46:00.000-07:00

Short, simple and sweet.

Tocca at Gilt

I'm seeing this at a casual beach wedding, maybe in Mexico, with some sparkly flip-flops and an arm full of bangles.

Or with killer colored heels at the courthouse.

The best part: it's less than $100!

Yours today at Gilt!

I have no official association with Gilt.

Honeymoon: Patagonia!

2010-06-21T05:30:00.000-07:00

Glaciar Francés

Travel, hiking and generally being outdoors are among are favorite activities. When we met, I was about to depart for fieldwork in the Himalayas, and I think Eric was intrigued by the adventure of it all.

Fast forward two years: sitting in an airport in Argentina on our way home from a friend's wedding, we decided to make lists of the places we'd like to visit. We each wrote down ten places we'd like to go, in rough order of importance. Comparing our individual lists, we found that Patagonia and Italy were near the top of both.

Lago Nordenskjöld

In the eight months that we've been married, I'm pleased to say that we've managed to visit our top two spots! We are fortunate that the academic schedule allows for long breaks between semesters, that we have two incomes, and that Eric was invited, fortuitously, to give some lectures in Italy.

Both of these trips came about somewhat serendipitously. I have to believe that part of the reason the trips came together this way is that we had clearly articulated our desire to visit these places, to each other and to the universe. Thus, we were ready to jump on opportunities when they presented themselves.

Cuernos del Paine

When a mutual friend starting recruiting people for a trip for a backpacking trip in Patagonia's Torres del Paine National Park, over the winter holidays, we jumped on board. I'd wanted to go to Patagonia ever since reading Bruce Chatwin's In Patagonia, and learning about giant sloth and the wild lands of the estancias.

Joining the group trip meant sharing our honeymoon with four other women!* To preserve some couple time, we ended up visiting an estancia and touring glaciers first, and then meeting the rest of the group half-way through their hike.

Estancia Balmaceda -

where Turismo 21 de Mayo took us horseback riding

A boat trip across a windy lake took us to the base of Glaciar Serrano...
... which is sadly receding because of climate change. The glacier used to flow right into the lake, but now has receded hundreds of meters up the cliff, leaving an exposed scar of raw, bare rock. Locals say that the glacier is receding 10-20 meters a year.

The effects of climate change are being felt the most at the high altitudes and latitudes. Though Chilean Patagonia is at sea level, it is quite close to Antarctica and the South Pole. At these extreme reaches of the Earth, climate is changing much faster than at the moderate latitudes. Average daily temperatures have increased more than 1.8 degrees Celsius (over 3 degrees Fahrenheit!) over the past century.

The boat dropped us off at a small dock, where a Zodiac took us into Parque Nacional Bernardo O'Higgins, reachable only by boat.

Because of the cold and windy weather, and the near freezing water, we suited up like giant orange penguins for our ride in the open Zodiac. Even with all of our clothing (windpants over fleece pants and long underwear, fleece tops and down jackets), it was still cold in the Zodiac.

We walked to a lake at the foot of Glaciar Balmaceda,

and hopped into another boat to get a closer view of the serrated edge of the glacier.

After spending the night in a remote lodge, we rode the Zodiac up Rio Serrano into Torres del Paine National Park, where our friends were partway through their hike.

*One of them, who'd been on another couple's honeymoon, declared it The Best Honeymoon Ever. Two honeymoon, and neither was her own!

On doing what you must

2010-06-19T17:19:00.000-07:00

The other day, the wise and wonderful LPC wrote a post called How To Live Boldly When You Are Scared as Heck.

She talked about how she'd always wanted to write. She has done many amazing, bold, seemingly scary, things in her life, but the thing that she wanted to do was write. Finally, the time was right: the children were off at college, her job had been misplaced, and she had the time and the courage to start her ever-enlightening blog.

The post resonated like few others have. I, too, have done some things that might seem to require courage (taking a year off before college to volunteer on a farm,* living in Kathmandu, solo treks), but writing regularly had always been the thing I wanted to do that eluded me.

Then yesterday, Sera's Broken*Saucer showed why I might need to become an Im-perfectionist. Perfectionism is the biggest enemy of writing. I know this intellectually - but emotionally, letting go of the need to "get it right" is tough.

Especially, perhaps, for a professor. We are paid to know the right answer. We reach this pinnacle of academic achievement by knowing the right answers, and convincing others that we are right. And by writing dense tomes, filled with obscure multi-syllabic words addressing serious topics (we'll come back to this in a moment).

The ideas for letting go of perfectionism were good. Even better was the link at the bottom of that page to 11 Irresistible Reasons to Write Everyday. This is stuff I need to know. Reasons that will keep me going.

Especially #1: Writing Creates Order. Writing is how I think and process, how I make sense of my life. I started this blog to do just that, but somehow the inversely related increase in work pressure and decrease in wedding pressure caused me to stop writing.

Now, I really need to let go of perfectionism and write everyday, because next up on my Life List is to write that dense tome that will get me a promotion. Really. In academia these days, you need one, or often two, books to get tenure. Let's just start with one, for now.

I've got ideas, data, 429 pages of my doctoral dissertation - all the raw materials to create a book. But this is honestly the scariest thing I've ever contemplated doing in my life. So scary that I've been reading mountaineering literature to talk myself down: if Ed Viesturs can face freezing, falling, and stinky tentmates on all 14 of the world's 8000 meter peaks, AND write a book about it, surely I can simply write a book. I don't even have to fear frostbite. Or hypoxia.

Finally, I read some concrete ideas on setting up your life to support your writing goals and avoid end-of-summer regret, when you realize that you haven't achieved what you wanted. (Though for writing, many of these suggestions could apply to any large project.)

All these reinforcements squashed the Dragon of Doubt, and unleashed rivers of words, the likes of which I haven't experienced since last summer when I was pounding away on my dissertation.

There you have it, my bloggy friends. I've publicly committed to this goal. I used Writing to Create Order, the by-product of which is a bunch of blog posts waiting in the wings for you.

Here's to a productive summer of doing what we must, perfectionism be damned.
(And if motivation fails, there's always the Professional Nag.)

*The gap year wasn't nearly so common when I was 18.

We are Fam-i-ly

2010-06-11T11:30:00.000-07:00

I'm finding that what it means to be married - what it means for us to be married - is becoming clear little by little, in dribs and drabs, in small epiphanies, not all at once.

This slow trickle of realization wears away at the pre-programmed Stepford (or Desperate House-) wife tapes in my head that insisted I would immediately don an apron,* quit my job, and never leave the kitchen.

At the gym last night, we realized that we could get a 'family' membership, resulting in substantial savings if the year was pre-paid in full. A family membership. For us. Because we are a family.

The funny thing is, I've shared 'family' memberships of other types with housemates and friends. It always felt like a clever way to save money and pull one over on The Man. It never felt like a significant political statement.

*For the record: I rarely wear an apron when I cook. But I'm usually barefoot.

Old world elegance

2010-06-05T15:32:00.000-07:00

I believe that's what we were aiming for here. It's not a common idiom for us - goofy is more like it - but rediscovering this image among the 944 (!) that Kate Harrison sent us makes me want to frame it.

Having just returned from a two week trip to Italy - Milan, Turin, Venice, Florence - we may now be slightly more in touch with our elegant selves.* Italians are unbelievably stylish and sophisticated. Everywhere we went, I was admiring the elegant ensembles of men and women alike. I never saw anyone looking sloppy or less than put together. California-casual doesn't promote such elegance - if you're not wearing flip flops, you're formal enough to go just about anywhere - but I'd like to absorb a bit of Italian style.

*A perk of academic life is being invited to give lectures in exotic locales, and getting your travel expenses paid! Eric scored a sweet deal when a senior colleague was unavailable for the engagement.

Dog bloggers?

2010-04-27T01:04:00.000-07:00

It just dawned on me that most of the blogs I read refer to furry feline companions, if they mention beings of the non-human-kind at all. They have gratuitous cat posts, and show cat pictures when nothing else is going on. I've never really understood cat blogging. Did it start with LOLCats?

What does this preponderance (from an admittedly very small sample size) of cat people in the blogosphere suggest? Are all the dog people out running in the park with their golden retrievers, rather than sitting in front of their computers? Are cat people more likely to be homebodies, proximate to the the conditions for blogging? Are they more likely to be literate, and thus inclined to blogging? Are dog people less introspective, or less interested in sharing their thoughts with the world?

And what does this have to do with my lost blogging mojo? Have I lost the Muse because I'm a dog person who is actually temperamentally unsuited to blogging? Or because I'm a dog person minus a dog (slowly wearing down Eric on this front...)? Or am I secretly a cat person whose yet to get in touch with my feline self? (Not likely, that one.)

If/ when we do get a dog, I can promise plenty of gratuitous dog posts showing just how cute the little moppet is. Meanwhile, I'll leave you with my favorite tell-in-mixed company joke:
Why was the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac up all night?

Wondering if there is a Dog.

(Thanks for reading, if you're still around. I suspect the return of my blogging mojo will coincide with the end of the semester. Just one more week!))

Smart (& cheap!) wedding venue

2010-04-11T21:17:00.000-07:00

I used to work in this university building with its gorgeous travertine facade. It's listed on the National Register of Historic Places, and is in desperate need of seismic retrofitting, since it was built long ago.

(I still miss the large windows and sunny balcony of my former office almost every day.)

here

Each day, I'd walk past this ginkgo tree, ridiculously colorful with a showy golden display in autumn. (I miss the tree, too. These days, my walk to work has lots more panhandlers, and many fewer trees.)

here

Although I attended a wonderful graduation celebration on these steps, it never dawned on me that other celebrations could take place there, too.

here

Some friends will marry there in May, with a small number of family members in attendance, for only the cost of liability insurance. Genius!

A university campus could be just the ticket for a scenic, intimate outdoor wedding. (Why didn't we think of this??!?!)

Your wedding dress on Gilt

2010-04-05T10:23:00.000-07:00

Filed in If We Did It Again: I'd totally be stalking Gilt* for a cut-price, re-wearable, luscious silk designer gown.

Though I love, love, loved my dress, it is purely polyester organza, not amenable to dying, re-shaping, or re-wearing. The magic is all in the architecture and cut, not so much the fabric.

But these....

Reem Acra

All for far less than a designer gown in a bridal salon, and eminently re-wearable.

Lucky size 4, this one's calling you!

Shimmering silk! Designer elegance! And the beading!

Spectacular Reem Acra

How cool would it be to through a fancy party on your tenth (or first!) anniversary and pull out one of these classically cool gowns. Yeah. That's style.

*Awesome designer fashions on sale, by invitation only. Email me if you need an invitation, and I'll set you up. I've gotten killer deals on a couple super cute summer dresses.

The Barefoot Philosophy

2010-03-26T12:06:00.000-07:00

Summed up beautifully here.

What the heck are rhodium eroders?

2010-03-25T07:00:00.000-07:00

Have any of you heard this phrase before???

Apparently, some people wear the rhodium plating off their white gold rings faster than others. The ones who wear away the rhodium fastest are 'rhodium eroders.'

Dr. Cowgirl and PK have both been alarmed to find the white gold of their year-old engagement rings turning yellow. I've noticed that the inside of my engagement ring is getting a yellowish tint, too.

Though rhodium is known to wear off, and white gold rings are supposed to need re-plating every so often, we thought it was on the order of 5-7 years, not annually. Apparently, re-plating the rings hurts them, because the gold is sanded down (thus removed!) before the new rhodium plating is applied. Getting the ring re-plated every year would soon cause it to vanish into nothing!

Brilliant Earth has suggested waiting as long as possible to get the rings re-plated. This doesn't seem to be an ideal solution if the rings are not looking their best. Anyone know anything about getting white gold rings re-plated???

Recap #4: A Participatory, Quaker-ish, DIY Ceremony

2010-03-24T07:00:00.000-07:00

It was important to us that the wedding ceremony be a participatory, inclusive event. We briefly considered (more than once, actually) just going to City Hall (especially when the planning got overwhelming, as it inevitably does). Ultimately, though, we decided that getting married was about making a public commitment, recognizing our embeddedness in our community of family and friends.

And if our peeps were going to be there, I wanted them to be involved. Not in the designing invitations and baking cakes and arranging flowers sort of way -- our people are more cerebral than crafty, for the most part -- but through participation in the ceremony.

We had seen our friends Data Monkey and Mountain Man pass their rings through their assembled guests to be blessed by each pair of hands. On a sandy beach, though, that didn't seem like such a good idea.

Next we considered asking our guests to bring some small thing that they could add to a larger collective, as a representation of our community, during the ceremony. Some weddings have incorporated water or sand from different parts of the country to represent the families joining together.

Ultimately, we linked this idea to the guest book, a coffee table book of photos of some of our favorite places.
We asked everyone to bring a rock or some other non-decomposing natural object, which we collected together in a glass vase that now lives on our mantle. We requested:

Rock Ceremony
Please bring a rock or other dry and relatively inert bit of nature, such as a shell or small piece of driftwood, to add to the glass vase symbolizing our community. We would like to collect a bit of nature contributed by each person or family that attends the ceremony as a tangible reminder of all those who joined with us for our special day.

We will collect the rocks in a glass vase next to the Guest Book, and invite you to tell us something about your rock in your Guest Book message.

To involve many voices in the ceremony, I was campaigning for a Quaker-style ceremony, in which people could simply speak when and if they felt moved to do so. Unsure that people would really speak up, Eric wanted a bit more structure.

We compromised by asking eight friends and family members to read relevant passages of their choice, AND informing our guests that the ceremony would include open time in which anyone who wished to speak could do so.

So that guests could prepare, we wrote on our wedding website:

Quaker Moments during the Ceremony
During the Ceremony, the Officiant will open the floor (sand!) for anyone who is moved to speak to do so, in the manner of a Quaker meeting. We welcome your thoughts and wishes during this part of the Ceremony.

This worked out amazingly well. A number of friends and family members offered comments, reflections, and tributes that were both funny, touching and heartfelt.

Sadly, I remember almost nothing of what was said! I was so caught up in the emotion and sensations - the warm sun, soft sand, rhythmic waves - that few of the words of the day stuck with me.
I do remember Mountain Man saying that he had recently married an only child - as Eric is - so he and I should talk about how to handle being married to an Only.

At the end of the ceremony, my mom offered a blessing on our marriage.

Photos from Rob.

Infinity engagement ring

2010-03-23T07:00:00.000-07:00

I love the idea of an engagement (or wedding) ring that represents the infinite.

This one is engraved with a line from modern poet Montana Wojczuk:

"Quietly now, the dreams are sleeping now it is time to live."

Could there be a more fitting sentiment for embarking on a life together?

Gratuitous shoe post

2010-03-22T07:00:00.000-07:00

I'm kinda obsessed with these (and they're half price right now!).

I need another pair of shoes like I need a ping-pong playing penguin!

Dr. Cowgirl rides again!

2010-03-19T15:04:00.000-07:00

In the midst of all the thoughtful and personal discussions about body image, self perceptions and photography going on, I feel a little bit funny about re-posting these photos that recapitulate the slim-white-attractive paradigm. I'm not at all saying this is what a wedding should be -- though it's what a wedding could be. And it's certainly not the fact that these two happen to be utterly adorable that makes them worthy of posting on my blog.

However, this was one of the most fun weddings I went to last summer.* Mountains, fields, camping, thunderstorms, hail, sundresses & down jackets, cowboy boots, wildflowers, gin and juice, and dancing in a barn to the most kickin' bluegrass band ever.

Dr. Cowgirl and I shared the journey through rings, dresses, location, decor... all of it. We tried on countless dresses together, visited Mercurio Brothers** to order our invitations together, shared schemes about vases and bottles for decor.

I've showed you a bit of her wedding here. Those few snapshots hardly did justice to the beauty of the ceremony, the generosity of her family, and awesomeness of the Rocky Mountain landscape. So when Dr. Cowgirl forwarded the link to some of her photos by Katy Gray at The Bride's Cafe, I knew I'd have to post some here.

Her wedding took place at her parents' property in Tetonia, Idaho, just west of Grand Teton and Yellowstone National Parks.
Guests were invited to camp on the property, overlooking the Teton River and the mountain ranges. It was convenient to be so close to the festivities in a tent with a view. We would have been there all weekend, too, if it weren't for a ridiculous storm blowing in...

Dr. Cowgirl's niece read a lovely passage from Where the Sidewalk Ends, that I posted here.

The skies finally cleared in the evening. Shouldn't everyone have an Airstream trailer glowing in the moonlight?

See more of Katy Gray's lovely work- including more Airstream shots, and a couple great claw-foot bathtub images - here.

I should also mention that these photos - plus my own, by Kate Harrison - have convinced me of the value of a professional photographer. Initially, dumbfounded by the expense involved, I was planning to forgo the professional and count on the cameras of numerous family and friends. However, I have come to the conclusion that a talented pro can capture the fleeting moments of intense emotion in which the beauty and drama of the wedding shine through. I have never considered myself photogenic, and neither has Eric. Both of us dislike having our picture taken. However, I am mightily pleased by the images from our wedding, feeling that they capture a beauty I never knew was there. That is the alchemy of a talented photographer.

*One of the five best weddings I went to last summer, for sure.***
**Gorgeous, affordable letterpress, doncha' know!
***Total number of weddings attended last summer: 5. All so, so fun and perfect in their own way!

Recap #3: An officiant for the pan-religionist and the agnostic

2010-03-15T07:00:00.000-07:00

The tradition of marrying within one's faith, as a member of religious community, certainly simplifies the decisions about where and by whom to be married. But what if you're a dabbler in many religions /practitioner of none (me) or an agnostic-leaning-atheist (him)?

We settled the location question with the closest thing we have to religion: a deep, shared love for the outdoors, and chose a place that had personal meaning to us. That it was gorgeous and nearby were huge bonuses.

Now that we had the place, who would preside? This was one of the hardest decisions of the wedding planning process, and the one that took the longest to nail down. We considered a Buddhist teacher I'd met at a retreat once. He had great humor and flair, and plenty of wise insights. But we wanted the wedding to comprise people who really know us, and this teacher probably wouldn't recognize me if we ran into each other on a crowded San Francisco street. Next...

My mother, the ordained minister? A seemingly obvious choice. But I wanted my mom to be my mom that day, not worried about conducting a service, and I didn't want to exclude Eric's non-religious family.

Finally, we settled on each choosing one opposite gender friend to co-officiate (he would select a female friend, I would select a guy). It seemed very balanced and progressive and community-oriented. His friend said 'yes.' I dilly-dallied and procrastinated about asking mine. The summer crept along. Then we found out that his friend was going through a personally challenging time, and wouldn't be able to officiate.

Then we found out that my friend was facing a personally challenging time, as well. Did I dare add additional stress to his life by asking him to officiate? I hoped he would see it as the great honor that we meant it to be, but I worried that it would unnecessarily complicate his life (though as we know, a wedding is not an imposition).

Much to my relief, he agreed to officiate (after quickly becoming a minister of the Universal Life Church Monastery), on the condition that Eric and I put together the ceremony so that he would simply serve as its Master of Ceremonies and organizer.

And what an MC he was! He knew well how long and circuitous the journey to this particular moment had been - his voice cracked with emotion more frequently than mine! To me, that truly honored the gravity of the commitment we were making, far more than someone whose experience with such ceremonies would cause them to be practiced and smooth. I feel privileged knowing we are (probably) the only people ever to have the honor of being married by this friend.

And, I will have to start studying hard to repay my debt in kind: do you know, he asked after the ceremony, how difficult it will be will be to find a rabbi for my son's bar mitzvah?

Whither spring?

2010-03-12T15:17:00.000-08:00

Another rainy weekend. Following on a too busy week. Many, minor professional ups and downs for the Mr. and myself, all part of our crazy, wonderful lives in academia. The fabulous - and frustrating - thing about academia (or is it life?) is that it's always in flux, never predictable. Opportunities arise and fall away. Decisions are ever pending, ever changeable.

I learned about an amazing post-doctoral position across the country. Was it the sublime opportunity to do months of uninterrupted writing that would result in numerous published articles and a book, catapulting me to academic fame - or at least tenure? Or was it a siren song, threatening to draw me away from all that I love: my home, my friends, my job, the Bay Area, and most of all, my new husband? Husband wants what's best for me; I want what's best for our marriage.

My dissertation advisor and current departmental chair encouraged me to apply, suggesting that the prestige of a postdoc could only enhance my future career success. Another advisor, who knows me better, discouraged me, pointing out that I've 'got it made' with a job and husband in a place I love.

It's hard to know what to do. Initially, I planned to apply, thinking that the chances of getting it are relatively slim anyway, and I could sort out my decision if and when I came to that. On the other hand, there's nothing in me that wants to move across the country right now... but is that just exhaustion, following on the heels of a year full of transitions?

One more week until spring break - to be spent catching up on home and work tasks. Including getting hooked up with my new doctor and dentist, because, according to this stress test, via 2000 Dollar Wedding, I have "High susceptibility to stress-related illness." Yikes.

Spring break, and even better, SUMMER, can't come soon enough.

If it were sunny, I'd be wearing this

or this

with this, via Oh Joy!

or this

Recap #2: Walking to the Beach

2010-02-26T07:00:00.000-08:00

The walk to the beach had to be my favorite part of the day. It was like having a bit of the reception BEFORE the ceremony, which allowed the jitters to subside. As I said to my mom before the Big Day, I knew if I had only a 50 foot aisle to walk down, I'd be freaking out by the time I reached the officiant. But with 3/4 mile hike, I had plenty of time to get grounded, take deep breaths, trade quips about married life with my Women of Honor, hang out with my family, and tease the Flower Children. What a better way to spend the wedding day than going for hike with all my favorite people!

We set out from the reception site, down a step flight of wooden steps. Thank goodness I was wearing my sparkly gold wedding flip-flops. No way I could've negotiated that in heels!

Across a parking lot...

Along a trail toward the beach...

Eventually rounding a corner toward the beach.

By the time we reached the beach, where our guests had gathered, I felt calm and ready.

Photos 1,5,7,8 Kate Harrison; Photos 2,3,4 Rob; Photo 6 Srabani

Recap #1: Getting Ready

2010-02-25T07:00:00.000-08:00

With the post-wedding tasks nearly finished - a final batch of thank you notes went out this week - I have enough distance from the day to try to tell the story before I forget it completely.

We stayed at home the night before the wedding. Since our wedding was local, it didn't make much sense to stay anywhere else. The day started in a typical fashion: Eric was up and bustling about before I'd even rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. He was to be the point person at the wedding site, and wanted to get there early to start directing friends and family in the set-up.

Meanwhile, I scored the better end of the deal, starting my day with a few languid Sun Salutations, and breakfast on the deck while the fog cleared, as I waited for my long-time hairstylist to do my hair and makeup. Right on schedule, she appeared around the side of the house, toting a huge rolling suitcase full of styling tools.

Here, I point out that it's helpful to have a consistent relationship with a hairstylist: she charged her usual hourly rate - not some crazy inflated wedding price - for the hair trial and day-of hair (and threw in makeup application, using goodies I'd purchased at a MAC makeover, as a wedding day gift!).

As she set to curling and pinning, my two Women of Honor showed up, along with the Flower Girl and an incredible painting - now in the place of honor on our mantel - by the mother of one of them, a noted artist. I have admired her paintings forever, and was stunned by their generosity.

With my face and hair fancied up, we headed for the wedding site with my 'backup dress.' Two other friends were to pick up the wedding dress at the salon that morning, to avoid the hassles of having to hang it in a closet in our small house. But just in case something went awry, I brought the first dress - the simple one I had purchased online - back before I got in touch with my Inner Bride.

Fortunately, the dress pick up went without a hitch, and the dress was hanging in a spare room when we reached the wedding site.

The Women of Honor, and other Ladies in Waiting, worked on the zillions of button with a crochet hook.

Eventually, I was buttoned into my dress, photographed,

and hurried downstairs to meet Eric, to begin the walk to the beach, with our families, the Women of Honor, and the Flower Children.

Photos 1,2,3 by Srabani, 4 by Rob, 5 by Kate Harrison.

Is it Post-Wedding Letdown?

2010-02-24T07:00:00.000-08:00

Check all that apply.

__ 1. I continue to agonize over choosing images for our wedding album, sorting and re-sorting the photos. I'm wondering whether we should spend another $xxxx so we can get ALL the photos in the album.

__ 2. I haven't cleaned my dress yet. In fact, I haven't even put it away. It's right where I left it: hanging from a door/ draped over a couch/ right in the front of my closet - who know when I might have an occasion to wear it?

__ 3. That dress - the one that I wasn't really attached to, and was planning to donate or sell after the wedding - that one? I think I'll keep it.

__ 4. I'm considering getting a huge framed canvas of us. Like 8'x10'. Feet. To hang over the bed.

__ 5. Work seems boring and blah. Even my favorite projects are hard to get excited about.

__ 6. I read wedding blogs obsessively. Even when I should be working.

__ 7. My work may have suffered because of my addiction to wedding blogs.

__ 8. I still stalk my photographer's website for cool images.

__ 9. I have a hard time getting up in the morning - I'm bleary from reading wedding blogs.

__ 10. I get super-involved when even the most tangential friend mentions that she's planning a wedding. I send my list of favorite and could-have-been vendors, and a constant stream of ideas.

__ 11. I'm starting to see why people have babies right away. Decorating a nursery: now there's a project I could get into!

__ 12. In fact, I'm actively working on it. The sooner, the better.

__ 13. I don't hang outwith my single friends so much anymore. Their lives all seem over-dramatic and unfocused. I'm not so interested in the date-of-the-week.

__ 14. I hang out with my single friends all the time: I love their stories about the thrill of the chase.

__ 15. I've taken on a new huge project: remodeling the house, starting a new job, launching a business, training for a marathon. Honestly, I don't know what to do with all my new-found free time. I'm considering training for a triathalon, joining a volunteer board, and studying for (another) degree.

Agreeing with 5 or more statements suggests Severe Post-Wedding Letdown. Quietly back away from the wedding blogs, give away your wedding mags, get your dress cleaned and stored, pronto!, and find a new hobby for your free time.

Agreeing with 2-4 statements suggests a Mild case of Post-Wedding Letdown. Turn all that creativity and energy toward family, friends and work. Surely, there's another project that could benefit from your skill and energy - perhaps a first anniversary blowout?

Agreeing with 1 or fewer statements shows that you've moved on... but what are you doing on this blog?!???!

Gift registry lessons learned

2010-02-22T07:00:00.000-08:00

Does this look like a wedding gift? Hooray for the modern age!

It's amazing how those gifts keep on coming, post wedding!

We've received several in the past couple weeks. Perhaps people got busy with the holidays, and then started the new year by crossing things off their To Do lists. I know I've always been one to stretch the idea of "a full year to give a wedding gift" to - and beyond - it's breaking point. And you know what they say about birds of a feather...

Those etiquette books that tell you to register for more things than seem reasonable are right - much to my surprise, nearly everything on our registry, except for the $600 set of fancy cooking pots, has been bought! When we were registering, I resisted Eric's efforts to continue adding things. I thought we'd look greedy. Turns out our friends and family are ridiculously generous.

In addition to lovely china, flatware, a bubbly water machine that allows us to forgo plastic bottles, and other home goodies, we ended up with a new climbing rope, bouldering crash pad, and tent!

Lesson learned: register for what you want, at a variety of "price points" as they say - you'll be surprised at what people want to give you for your wedding. And think of those cool little things that you'd love to have, but never get around to buying yourself. Like a set of upgraded tent stakes - or whatever suits your hobby.

We were also honored by several generous donations to our favorite charities. As somewhat established people with our own towels and knife sets (albeit cheapo grad student ones that could use upgrading), we didn't need that much stuff. Along with the gift registry information, we described our favorite causes on our wedding website, with links to the donation pages on the charities' websites. I was surprised, and honored, by the number of people who chose this route.

Another modern wedding gift, here

I was happy that our wedding could raise awareness of some important issues (we are passionate about land conservation and education for girls in the Himalayas), and be of benefit to the larger world. Some people gave both a gift to us, and a donation to one of our charities.

Howdy, Pardner!: An argument for marriage

2010-02-17T13:45:00.000-08:00

I always look forward to reading the Modern Love columns in the Sunday New York Times. This week's, in which the editor of the column distills some of his wisdom gleaned from reviewing hundreds of submissions over the years, was particularly insightful.

He addressed a qualm about marriage that both the Mr. and myself have expressed - to each other - since we got engaged: is it possible, or even reasonable, to stay faithful to one person for dozens upon dozens of years? That we're both older than your 'average' newlywed takes a few years off that count, but we're still looking a loooooooong way into the future. How to sustain a relationship until we're in rocking chairs?

The insightful Daniel Jones suggests it's all about confiding such concerns, and offers this reassurance:

Some people think we live too long to commit to one person for life. Monogamy may have made sense a few centuries ago, they argue, when we tended to die in our 40s (after raising a dozen children). But being with the same person well into our 70s and 80s? That simply can’t be natural.
This is a question, by the way, asked almost exclusively by people in their 40s (or younger). People in their 70s and 80s do not ask this question. They are, by and large, very happy to have shared a lifetime with the same person.
O.K., but that’s three decades before the appreciation kicks in. What if you want to feel appreciated now? And what if the person who makes you feel appreciated isn’t your spouse?
Here’s a heartening trend — husbands and wives choosing to talk honestly with each other about their needs, desires and temptations, even (or especially) when they threaten the marriage. In the stories crossing my desk, sneaking is increasingly being replaced by confiding. And the sky isn’t falling and clothes aren’t being thrown from windows. The conversations are hard, rage may have to be expressed, but many couples find a way through.

After reading hundreds of columns, Mr. Jones is no stranger to the 'what to call your spouse' question, as it relates to all sorts of couples. His answer, which could resolve both the Trouble with Wife, and the Introduction Conundrum, is for all of us - regardless of gender or orientation - to refer to our partners as just that: partners. With a spot-on allusion to Dr. Seuss, he writes:

Why not tear a page from the wranglers’ handbook and require all married folk to call each other partner? Think of the benefits. Not only would life start to sound like a permanent square dance, we’d also lose the language that distinguishes gay marriage from straight. And perhaps like Dr. Seuss’s famous Star-Belly Sneetches, who finally learn that no one kind of Sneetch is the best on the beach, we’ll see that marriage is marriage, meant for devotion that thrives, and not just for unions of straight husbands and wives.

Though I referred to Mr. Barefoot as my 'partner' before we got married - as did/do most of my friends with their respective sweethearts - I've made a conscious effort to recognize our new status in my references to him. But, now I wonder, why? There's the social recognition of a public commitment -- relevant in the personal arena, less so in the professional one. It's not really the business of my professional colleagues and students what my marital status is. And I wear a ring, so people will most likely assume I'm married. In any case, I like the gender and orientation neutrality of 'partner,' the solidarity with same-sex couples, and the whiff of Wild West cowboys and ranches, so... meet my partner, Mr. Barefoot.

Copy room convo

2010-02-16T17:06:00.000-08:00

Scene: Unsuccessfully trying to get a letter of reference to print on letterhead. A student comes in.

Him: What program do you work for?

Me: I'm a faculty member in X department. What about you? What do you do?

Him: I'm a student in Y department. What's your name?

Me: Elizabeth [Barefoot].

Him: Oh, [Bare-y]? Lizzy [Bare-y]?

Me: Don't even go there.

What's up with the patronizing, diminutizing nicknaming?!?? Do I need to drop the friendly, informal demeanor and start referring to myself as Dr. Barefoot all the time? Should I boycott the copyroom and demand that the administrative people make all the copies for me? Would a grey wig and thick glasses garner more respect?

I may be a little sensitive about my gender and age, in that I'm a department that has historically been male. However, I'm hard pressed to believe that this student might have said, upon meeting one of my grey-haired male colleagues, "Oh you're Bobby? Bobby Scholar-y?"

How would you handle such situations?

Hit 'ESC'

2010-02-15T20:56:00.000-08:00

I've been kinda jealous of all those snow days folks are getting out east. We get short-changed on that account in Cali. I know it's pain to be trapped inside - especially with no electricity - but the pleasure of waking up to muffled softness, and clicking on the radio to learn that you unexpectedly don't have to venture out from underneath the down comforter is one of life's little joys.

Though it's only been a month since we returned from our honeymoon of communing with penguins and icebergs (more soon, really!), I've been feeling over-scheduled and under-rested. Already. All the transitions are still very much in progress: I'm learning how to be a wife and a professor simultaneously. Both fantastic roles. And they certainly take some growing into. I still find myself flummoxed by introductions: I say "I'm married to him," rather than "he's my husband."

This weekend, we took off to find some snow in the mountains, in celebration of Valentine's Day (the anniversary of our first date!), and in honor of the dead presidents' holidays. Ironically, most of the other skiers this weekend were single women wondering where all the decent guys are (apparently not on the slopes or trails this weekend). Some of their tales of single guys behaving badly were all too familiar. I felt extra fortunate to have an 'official' valentine from here on out.

Having hit ESC, the harddrive is re-set for another week.

Your heart on your sleeve

2010-02-08T12:24:00.001-08:00

Happy Valentines Week! Though I know that there's a lot of cynicism about this made-for-Hallmark holiday, it's become pretty important to Mr. Barefoot and me, as it marks our first date, three years ago. Who knows whether we were shot by Cupid's arrow that night, absorbed the romanticism in the air, or finally got our timing right (like finding an empty taxi with its light on, in the midst of a downpour) - we'll surely be savoring our good fortune all week.

Remembering the carved heart cufflinks I posted about - but never purchased - for my sweetie nearly a year ago, I wondered what other goodies were out there to go with the French cuff shirt.

Leaving your prints all over your partner is one sure way to mark him/her as "off the market." I like the subtlety of these silver hearts.

You could take the more literal route, with this anatomical heart.

Add color, for a slightly more gothic look.

Or go for the old-fashioned wood cut.

Evolutionary love

2010-02-06T16:04:00.000-08:00

The perfect Valentine's card to go with yesterday's biodiversity enhancement suits:

from Ironic Sans, via Fashion for Nerds

Biodiversity for your neighborhood

2010-02-05T14:18:00.000-08:00

Too many bland, boring pigeons in your neighborhood? Would you like to see more colorful birds? Or maybe even release rainbow-hued birds instead of doves at your wedding?

Artist Laurel Roth, who uses "art as a medium to examine biological ramifications of human behavior," has you covered - literally.

She's crocheted these vibrant "Biodiversity Reclamation Suits for Urban Pigeons," which come complete with a "hand carved pigeon mannequin [and] walnut stand."

She'll even help you bring back the long-extinct Dodo

Like Artemis, who sent the link, I don't know whether to laugh or cry...

Wedding album hell

2010-02-02T23:09:00.000-08:00

The wedding was lovely. The photographer was one of the sweetest and most talented people I ever met. Her images were so beautiful they hurt my eyes. I mean, gorgeous. Unexpectedly breath-taking.

So when I got the album proof today from an outside company - NOT my photographer, I must emphasize - I was expecting all kinds of loveliness. I couldn't wait to flip through Kate's images, beautifully-organized on well-designed pages... and - what fresh hell is this???!!??! The album proof was cluttered, disorganized, and out-of-order. Though I was pretty much the most chill bride ever - told my florist to work with any seasonal local flowers in the red-orange-yellow color-family, gave our baker carte blanche to create a tasty cake - I flipped through the proof pages saying no, No, NO!

I hadn't realized just how important Kate's aesthetic sensibility had been in creating a beautiful depiction of our wedding day - and how easily a sloppy layout could mar the beauty she depicted. I'm not saying that the wedding day has to be all about prettiness. It was about so many things: fun, family, love, natural beauty, peaceful moments, laughter, heartfelt words, us. But none of that showed through in the cluttered layout, with images overlapping others, and crowded six or more on a page. And I'm embarrassed to reveal how much the album would have cost, had we purchased it: more than the cake, which made 100 sweet-tooths very happy, and provided us with an entire layer to freeze for our first anniversary.

In this alterna-wedding-blogosphere, we examine and question wedding traditions, and poke holes in those that can no longer stand up to 21st-century scrutiny. But this wedding album proof threw me right into the midst of all the not-suited-for-us traditions we thought we had escaped.

The largest photos were a close-up of the two of us kissing - it honestly looked kind of creepy and overly-intimate - and of me hugging my dad. It's a lovely photo, but undercuts the story of the day, which is that I walked down the beach with both parents. The father gives away the bride, so that's what matters. That's what we enlarge, according to our WIC-approved formulas.

Because I know an online photo album company can't read my mind, I carefully put the photos in order to tell the story of the day, before submitting my order. They disregarded the order completely, showing dinner toasts at the after-dinner cake cutting, and people departing from the ceremony on the same page as people arriving at the ceremony. Argh!

Wedding album lessons learned:

1) Don't pay for the full album before you see a proof or a plan (fortunately we paid only a "design fee," for what appears to be an algorithm-controlled design process: Father - enlarge. Bride - enlarge. Groom - shrink. People giving toasts - all on one page, even if there are 8 of them and they're so small you can't see them.)

2) Give *explicit* instructions. (I wrote back with a full page of design revisions. Let's see how they do.)

3) Compare offers. This faceless company offered 25% off, bringing the cost to way less than what our photographer would charge - but I'm surely her layouts are much better.

4) Consider doing it yourself (or together... or pawning off on your partner!). Petite Chablis and Accordians and Lace both did nice reviews of online wedding album software. I should have listened to them, before the WIC dug in its claws and started convincing me that I need a leather-bound, "professionally-produced", heavy-leafed photo album. How did this happen now, just when I was congratulating myself on having avoided the WIC throughout the wedding process?? (I might have to credit Mr. Barefoot here. In trying to guard my precious new-faculty-member time, he thought we should farm it out. Right motive, but little did he know that it would feed directly into the evil WIC.)

I suspect we'll head toward #4. It will be worth a few hours' time to have control over how the album turns out, and we can spend our savings on a weekend of skiing.

Any suggestions for high-quality online wedding album services?

Three

2010-01-30T21:32:00.001-08:00

Earlier in the week, my academic department noted with sadness the passing of two great visionaries: author J.D. Salinger, without whom many of us would not have made it through adolescence, and radical historian Howard Zinn, who demonstrated the power of combining scholarship and activism.

In sharing memories and stories of these great thinkers over email, someone commented "I hate to see who will go next to make it three."

Today, much to our horror, we found out who it was: we lost a young woman, a recent alum of the program I teach in, who was a doctoral student and administrative assistant in another program at the university.

She died in freak drowning accident last night, when she and some friends had gone to the beach to admire the full moon, appearing 30% brighter at its perigee. As she waded in the knee-deep water, she lost her balance, and was swept under and out to sea by a sudden large wave. Her friends -- one of whom was a former lifeguard and competitive swimmer -- tried to reach her, but the surf was too high and the undertow too strong.

Our students are in shock. They are a particularly tight-knit community. Lasting friendships are formed in the program, and graduates tend to remain in the same social circle. Because she worked on campus, she knew everyone, maintaining ties with alums, and meeting new students. When I arrived on campus as a new faculty member, she was one of the first people to welcome and orient me - even though she worked for a different department. We spoke often of shared interests.

It seems impossible that one so full of promise, so full of joy and life, could depart from us so quickly, without warning or reason.

This evening, our chair had planned to host a beginning of the semester party for faculty and students at his home. Instead, we had an impromptu wake at the home of our program coordinator - the glue of our department - who was her best friend and roommate.

I can't imagine the pain and sadness and helpless torment of losing a best friend this way: unable to help as she got pulled out to sea in the turbulent surf.

Others have told me that she was the type of person whom many called best friend - she attracted people to her, recognized their inner qualities, and encouraged them to shine. She gave voice to inner hopes and longings.

I stand in awe of the mysterious and capricious workings of the world that gives us the brilliant words and examples of Salinger and Zinn, on this Earth for 80 years or more, inspiring multiple generations; and takes suddenly one so young and full of promise and joy and potential. I know her death will bring our community together in certain ways, and leave gaps in other ways. We will try to make a meaningful story of her life and death to understand and comprehend it. Beyond that, the world remains inexplicable, too indeterminate to understand.

Again, I am reminded of the transitory nature of this life: a gift on loan from the Universe, that can be retrieved at any time and without warning.
Seize the day!
Live your dreams!
Hug your best friend!

Let Your Love Grow...

2010-01-24T22:16:00.000-08:00

Via the Telegraph, via Shimona on fab FB

For the ultimate expression of love in an organic, carbon-neutral way: Growing Jewellery by Icelandic designer Hafsteinn Juliusson.

The rings represent

"... a redefinition of modern values. It is a clash of jewelry and gardening; couture and organism. The collection is designed for people in metropolitan cities and is an experiment in drawing nature toward man, as nature being the presupposition of life."

Tiny Icelandic moss, which requires watering, is planted in the ring, and can they can last up to six months.*

here

*The ideal length of an engagement -- longer than that, and the flowers/centerpieces/ menu/ fittings/meddling/ etc. will drive you mad.**

** Unless you like that sort of thing... that's cool.

**aI'm still recovering from the wedding year... It might have been nice to have a ring with an expiration date.

The world's too small, or The perils of Facebook

2010-01-15T07:00:00.000-08:00

In our search for a DJ, we were delighted to find a super-talented one, who, along with being a music-first, no-cheese artist, was also in our demographic, and intuitively grokked the kind of party (heavy on the '80s music) that we wanted to have. Score!

However, through a bizarre swerve of Fate, he couldn't play at our wedding after we'd booked him. To make up for his error, he ended up substituting one of his partners at no cost to us. That honored his commitment so professionally and generously impressed us, so we accepted the substitution. Although we (or at least, I) were completely smitten with our would-be DJ, we figured that zeroing out a line item made good financial sense.

Now the plot thickens: the would-be DJ followed up by email recently to make sure the music at the wedding went well. Indeed it did. The substitute did a great job, and everyone had a blast. The would-be DJ mentioned that he noticed that I was Facebook friends with a former co-worker of his, with whom he had a very serious falling out. He was worried that this person would be at the wedding, creating an uncomfortable situation for all involved. He thought it was fortuitous -- fated even -- that he had mistakenly double-booked, and didn't have to risk a difficult encounter.

So now I wonder: Did Fate interfere to prevent the would-be DJ from meeting his old nemesis? What if I had invited that FB friend to the wedding? How much do people conclude from the (virtual) company I keep?

Lasting names

2010-01-11T07:00:00.000-08:00

Scene: Reception desk at a Caribbean island resort hotel, where Eric and I are staying for three days to relax after trekking in Patagonia (more on that soon). We've booked the "Honeymoon Special," which offers a free airport transfer, and a bottle of Champagne in the room.

Receptionist: Are you Mrs. Hislastname?

Me: No, I'm Elizabeth Barefoot.

The Receptionist gives me a perplexed look.

Me: We ARE married.

[I bring my left hand - with its delicate band - to the counter. I've left my engagement ring at home during our travels. I suspect that, compared to the hardware she sees on many honeymooners' hands, my low-key bling is not very convincing.]

Receptionist: But what should we call you? How shall we address you?

Me: Ah, I guess you can call me Ms. Barefoot.

Receptionist: Is that "Missus" Barefoot, or "Miss" Barefoot?

Me: No, it's "Miz" Barefoot.

An even more perplexed look. We're not in Berkeley anymore, Toto. Back home, at least half the married women I know have kept their birth names. And everyone goes by their first names, anyway.

Me: [searching for some handle that will make sense...] Or you could call me "Dr. Barefoot." [Since even my students call me by my first name, I figure I may as well get some mileage out of my hard-won degree.]

Receptionist: [lighting up] You're a DOCTOR? Oh my goodness! I want to ask you a question...

Eric: [breaking in] .... Not a medical doctor....

Me: But if you have an environmental problem, I might be able to help...

At that point, the Receptionist gave up trying to figure out what to call me. We offered up "Professor," but that didn't gain any traction, either.

This was my first real confrontation with the name-change expectation. Given the amount of time and effort and commitment I've put into establishing my professional identity, changing my name never made sense to me. Actually, even before all that, it never made sense to me. In giving up her name, it seemed that the woman was being asked to subsume her identity to that of her husband, a role I wanted no part of. After living with one name - which I like very much - for decades, I didn't have any desire to change it. I'm also profoundly uncomfortable with the idea of being defined only by my relationship to someone else - in my mind, "Mrs." sounds a lot like "possession."

Our friends and family (especially mine, who have known me to be stubbornly independent) implicitly understood this: I've fielded only one question about what I was going to do about my name. Both my sisters-in-law have their birth names, as do my best friends. My mom reverted to her original name when my parents divorced, and stuck with that name after she remarried. In this context, it would have been almost strange for me to change my name.

Eric and I had several conversations on this topic before we got engaged. He probably would have been happy for me to change my name - to harmonize with cultural expectations - but fully understands and appreciates the reason that I have chosen not to. Of our two last names, his is slightly less mellifluous, and more prone to annoying nicknames, which he's suffered since childhood. I encouraged him to take mine - we could be "Dr. and Mr. Barefoot" or "the Professors Barefoot" - but sadly, that is rarely done. More importantly, he is the only male in his generation of his family and feels strongly about passing on the name (whereas I have two brothers, and two nephews, so our last name is not about to die out). Thus, any offspring will likely be Hislastname.

In a nod to family unity, we thought it would be nice to take each other's last names as middle names, reversing what women who change their names have done for years (eg., I would become Elizabeth Middlename Hislastname Barefoot, and he would become Eric Middlename Middlename Barefoot Hislastname, creating a really excellent acronym in the process!). However, although San Francisco City Hall offers numerous options for combining and changing names while applying for the marriage license, adopting new middle names is not one of them. To do this, we will have to file for an official legal name change. Bah!

City Hall does have a pretty ceiling, though. I was so giddy that day, I was only looking up.

I feel fortunate to be surrounded with people who accept and respect my feelings about my own name - really, what is more personal that what one is called every day? And I recognize that for some (maybe even most, outside of the People's Republic of Berkeley) families, sharing the same last name is important. However, I didn't expect that people I don't even know would be unable to address me by my name, if it wasn't the same as my husband's. Thank God for the progressive and protective bubble of the Bay Area!

Have others reacted with surprise or confusion at your changed or not-changed last name? Have you found creative ways of managing the expectation that women change their names? Have you confounded others expectations, in one way or another, about what your name would be after marriage?

I've changed my name!

2010-01-09T07:00:00.000-08:00

Not actually *my* name (whole rant about this issue coming up soon...), but the blog's name.

I've been thinking about this for awhile. The new name captures much more of what I write and think about: not just being a bride (as soon as I post some of the pro photos and honeymoon stories, I will be waaaay over the wedding!), but trying to live in a way that captures the lightness and grace of walking barefoot.

I'm nearing the same crossroads that other wedding bloggers have reached, where I wonder what the purpose of this blog is, if not to capture my musings about my impending wedding. I don't have cats, or a major recipe habit, or deep knowledge of wine, or even an abiding passion for weddings (though I must confess to catching up on some pretty pictures and thoughtful writing upon the return from my honeymoon). I'm still interested in following how the bridal bloggers who got married around the same time that I did are experiencing the transition from fiancee to wife, and I'm sure I'll have more thoughts to share on this issue.

But much of what I think about - having had the experience of trying to plan a large event that would be both beautiful and socially and environmentally-responsible - is how to create a life that embraces both beauty and sustainability. I know in the past that these ideas were not opposed: artifacts were beautiful because they were well-made, handcrafted, durable and long-lasting. In the age of disposable everything, beauty, functionality and durability seem to be at odds. Things are thrown away before they are ever used. Durability is sacrificed for efficiency. We spend more time taking care of our stuff than actually enjoying it. How many times have I been to the Apple store to get my ipod repaired??? All because of the crazy notion of planned obsolescence.

So I want to take the lessons we learned from planning our wedding - about local sourcing, about working with artisans, about slowing down, about deciding what is truly important to us, about creating a day that deeply reflected our values - and work on applying it to Real Life. Much of my life, especially the past half dozen years of grad school, is spent zooming around at top speed, cramming in as much as possible. I'm starting to see that mode as neither sustainable, nor desirable, and not at all in line with my values. While I was to experience as much of the awesomeness that this life has to offer,* I'm no longer convinced that doing more is the answer.

I'll share my thoughts about how this works - especially in balancing roles of wife, professional, friend, etc. - and I still have a bit to say about our wedding. By now, blogging has become a habit that I don't want to give up. (Take note, all you New Year's Resolution Makers: after a year, a habit is engrained!)

*Somehow, marriage has put me in touch with mortality, too. A friend who married over the summer told me that her first thought after getting engaged was about death! Something about the transition in life stages, and the acknowledgment of generational change, I suppose. I'll have to come back to this in another post.

This Ring's the Shizzle!

2010-01-08T21:43:00.000-08:00

Rings - plural - actually.

Four - count 'em - four! Such a statement!

Probably not what my niece had in mind, when she told me to request rings for every finger upon my engagement, but perfect for those days when you're feeling less demure debutante and more shit-kicking suffragette.

Wendy Brandes, via Fashion for Nerds.

Like rabbits!

2009-12-22T07:00:00.000-08:00

Ever the over-achievers, two couples of this summer's Team Matrimonial are already expecting!

It looks like our rounds of wedding attendance will be replaced by rounds of baby showers. Time to start cooing over the cute things on the web....

Hopefully, someone will name their child Zeke or Zelda. (The H for Horse is nowhere near as much fun.)

JHill Design

The babies can rewrite history as settlers and Native Americans float above their cribs...
Show down in the Wild West from SaltyandSweet

Just what Bay Area renters need:
A portable "Grow with me" growth chart from Inklore

For the future executive...
kraftykim, via thoughtfulday

Rings from Nature

2009-12-16T07:00:00.000-08:00

Ooops! Somehow I stumbled into jewelry while Christmas shopping for other people.

Though my rings are fairly traditional, even vintage style, I'm loving the organic shapes, raw diamonds, and architectural balance of these designs, along with the artists' commitments to "right relationship with the earth, people and our natural and social environment as a whole."

These are great options for someone looking for designs a little more fashion forward than what's offered at Brilliant Earth (and further fodder for the files of "if we did it again, but slightly differently."*)

Shibumi Gallery, in Berkeley, is another stylish source of sustainably crafted, artisanal rings, as is the blogosphere's much beloved Beth Cyr.

Wouldn't this be a great ring for a surfer girl?

Seafoam ring

A stunning non-traditional engagement ring...

here

Todd Reed

Todd Reed

Todd Reed

*Or, recalling the advice from my niece to get one engagement ring for each finger, perhaps these are required as part of our marital contract ;-)

Anniversaries and milestones

2009-12-14T07:00:00.000-08:00

What, anniversaries already, when you're still posting wedding recaps???

Well and duly noted, Observant Reader.

It is, however, a year and a couple days since Eric and I got engaged (a story I recounted here), which, to my mind, was the point at which our commitment became permanent. At first, the commitment felt like such a private thing that a public ceremony and party seemed superfluous. But, as a wise person pointed out, a relationship may be private, but a marriage is public.

Simultaneous with that anniversary, a number of milestones were growing near: would the blog reach 50 followers, 200 posts, or the blogoversary of a year of posting first?

50 came first! (Five more posts until the bicentennial. Another month 'til the blogoversary.)

I am honored, Dear Readers, that you take time to check in on Chez Barefoot and share your thoughts. It's been such a pleasure virtually meeting the thoughtful, down-to-earth wedding bloggers. You all saved my sanity more than once during the wedding planning process. I've learned a ton from your comments, and from reading your blogs. My wedding planning -- and life! -- have been considerably enriched by sharing this journey with my virtual friends. (I even have a partial post called "How blogging helped me write my dissertation." Eventually I'll get around to finishing it and demonstrate how procrastination was actually a useful scholarly tool. Take note, current PhD candidates!)

What's next? I just received 944 wedding photos -- some more of those will surely show up in this space. I have some more ideas about planning a green and sane wedding that I'd like to share... and these will probably segue into thoughts about having a green and sane married life: having more time, more joy and less stuff.

For the treehugger who's been nice, very nice

2009-12-11T23:01:00.000-08:00

Oh my. I'm supposed to be finishing up my Christmas shopping online before we wing off to Pataogonia, but instead I've stumbled across a new Etsy love: nodeform. The balance and design of swirly architectural/ organic shapes is just amazing.

Maybe Santa's reading...

here

I'd love to wrap my arm in leaves...

Leaf Cuff bracelet

Or bark...

from nodeform

The princess and the pea, and the elusive organic cotton sheets

2009-12-10T07:00:00.000-08:00

Once there was a princess who was both sensitive and thoughtful. When it came time for her to wed, family and friends asked what kinds of gifts would please the blissful couple. Linens to stock the new household was the answer.

But not just any linens. Because of her sensitive skin, the princess insisted on sleeping on sheets that had a count of at least 500 threads per inch, and towels that felt soft to the hand. And because of her thoughtfulness, she wanted linens that would create the least amount of pollution in their production.

She and the prince visited a large emporium to caress all the linens until they found sheets and towels that met their needs for both softness and sustainability, made of organic cotton.

They conveyed this information to their friends, who generously gifted the perfect organic cotton towels to the happy couple.

The couple was so pleased with the towels that they returned to the emporium to purchase a few more for their houseguests to use. They were then dismayed to learn that the organic line had been discontinued, and towels in their color were no longer available.

Through the magic of the internet, they were able to find other organic cotton towels, but some were the wrong color and others appeared poorly made. Sadly, they left the store with conventional cotton towels, disappointed that it was so difficult to find the type of sustainably produced towels they sought.

{Anyone got a good source for soft organic towels???}

How we almost avoided a first dance

2009-12-09T07:00:00.000-08:00

Neither the Mr. nor I are especially graceful dancers. Of the two of us, he has more skill. My style is more to bounce and bob in some semblance of rhythm with the music. I have no real moves.

While dancing with one of the mister's friends at a wedding the month before ours, the friend suggested that I might want to look into dance lessons before our wedding (!). Yeah, I'm that uncoordinated.

Over the summer, we had planned to take some ballroom dancing lessons at a place just a mile or so from our house. But with the mayhem of dissertation writing, job starting and wedding planning, the plan never became reality.

We figured we'd have the DJ start the music while we were cutting the cake, so that guests could immediately begin dancing. At first, the plan went well. The infectious '80s music drew everyone onto the dance floor.

But then... our plan was foiled! The Women of Honor stopped the music for toasts, and to start the dancing again, the DJ played In Your Eyes and everyone spread to the edges of the room. I think they even chanted first dance, first dance. This despite the fact that it was after 9, and we were sweaty from dancing for hours.

So there we were, in the middle of an empty room, with nothing to do but dance.

The trouble with wife

2009-12-08T07:00:00.000-08:00

Of all the terms we have for our beloveds, wife is not sitting well with me.

Fiancee felt so glamorous. It implied limitless potential. It was redolent of endless rounds of chic parties, cocktail dresses, and Audrey Hepburn's effortless grace and style.

Wife brings all that glamorous potential down to the ground with a thud. Pot roasts. Vacuuming.

Don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled beyond belief to be Eric's spouse. His life partner. His companion. Even his muse or 'better half.' I just don't want to be a wife.

I brought this up at a party with some recently married friends.

Me: Is anyone else having trouble with the word wife?
Woman #1: Yeah, it's an ugly word. Like 'moist.'
Me: Moist?
Woman #1: Yeah grimaces ] moist, wife. Ugh. Those words don't role off the tongue. Not like husband.
Man #1: "Moist wife" - that's just how I like her to be. heh heh.
Woman #2: Wife might be ok. Just wait 'til you're a Mom.

I know that there's a move to 'reclaim' wife. Good. We should do that. In the meantime, I think I'd rather be a partner or a spouse.

Husband is awesome. During our reception, I was running around, inquiring of every guest: "Have you seen my HUSBAND?" So fun.

But 'wife', in my mind, is too much tied to confining, 1950s-style images, of the loss of idealism and creativity so brilliantly captured in Revolutionary Road. I feel like I might suddenly become invisible. Wife seems so tied up with essentialized images of 'how women are' and 'what women should be': endlessly caring, subverting their needs to those of their families, putting their dreams and goals on hold to nurture those of others.

Is anyone else having trouble with the term wife?

Persimmon perfection

2009-12-04T15:45:00.000-08:00

What an adorable and tasty way to do escort cards/ favors all in one! The persimmons could be delicious snacks, mid-party, when energy is waning.

From Erin Ever After, via Veiled Vows.

Now there's a whole new category in my mind: if we did it again, but slightly differently. This idea is definitely filed there.

Which is not to say that I would have done anything differently. Although people say that things will go wrong -- and it's certainly a good idea to be prepared for that eventuality -- I can honestly say that virtually nothing* went wrong.

Our persimmons were artfully scattered, along with pomegranates, as table decor. Local, seasonal, and easy to procure, they picked up the deeps reds and oranges of the flowers and gentlemen's ties.

Guests took home these healthy snacks. A month later, they are just eating last ones. The sturdiness of autumn foods like pumpkins, squashes and pomegranates makes me think of fortitude, forbearance, and persistence.

*To my knowledge, three rather minor things went wrong.** There might have been others, but I was blissfully unaware, having handed off the reins to our Day of Coordinator. I didn't even know about two of the glitches until the end of the evening, when Eric told me as we were driving away. I am so grateful that he shielded me from fretting about these details during the evening. The other incident -- the result of misunderstanding combined with a bit of deafness -- I dealt with in two minutes and then things were fine.

** Maybe there was a fourth: Guests weren't able to hear the splendid acoustic stylings of our friends during cocktail hour because of the poor acoustics of the reception space. Oh well.

Thanks to wedding guests Rob and Madeleine for the photos!

Our wedding on Green Wedding Shoes!!!

2009-12-01T14:56:00.000-08:00

Wow, wow, wow!

I've been reading Green Wedding Shoes for ages, seeking inspiration and admiring all the stylish, sophisticated weddings featured there -- and now we get to join that exalted company!

Aiii-yiiii! Go check it!

I am so honored that our our efforts toward an environmentally and socially responsible wedding inspired photographer Kate Harrison to create a new promotion. She wrote to me:

[Y]our amazing & close to your heart (and mine!) efforts to have a
sustainable and organic wedding really knocked my socks off and fired me up. ... your wedding inspired me to create "bee-green", which encourages couples to incorporate five eco elements into their wedding for 5% off their photography.

How cool is that??? I couldn't be more pleased that Kate is encouraging other brides to consider sustainable, organic, local and reusable options! What a great way to share the joy, while stepping lightly on the planet. Now, go forth, and bee green!

Godspeed, Team Matrimonial

2009-12-01T07:00:00.000-08:00

Part of what made my journey toward the wedding extra special fun was that it was shared with four other couple friends: Data Monkey and Mountain Man Mike had the lead off last May. (We'll soon be going to a baby shower for those precocious kids!).

The wedding season really got rolling later in the summer, when the weddings of BootCamp, Dr. Cowgirl, and Doc Water and Doc Bee occurred in three consecutive months... leading up to the grand finale, Barefoot on the Beach Day, in late October.

The final three weddings were deeply intertwined. Doc Water and Dr. Cowgirl had been housemates in grad school and remain close friends. Doc Bee and Mr. Barefoot were grad school friends on the east coast, and both ended up in the Bay Area, where they collaborated on research projects. Dr. Cowgirl and I bonded during our first days of grad school when I admired her intricate ring, and I got to know Doc Water when they were housemates.

We were all at a dinner party, when Dr. Cowgirl's husband, the soon-to-be Dr. J, observed that he had never been at a party where everyone in attendance was married. All being newly married, none of the rest of us had either. Wow. Go, Team Matrimonial!

Sharing the ups and downs of the journey - as well as paper lanterns, twinkling lights, vases, invitation beta, decor tricks, registry advice, dress shopping expeditions, minor freakouts and hair styling tips - with these lovely folks made it ever so much more sweet and memorable.*

It was bittersweet, then, to bid Doc Water and Doc Bee farewell last night, as they gave away their house plants and cleaning products, and urged us to down what remained of their liquor cabinet, as they prepared to point their car east and begin new jobs in a distant southern metropolis.

Too soon, too soon! We just finished celebrating! Sometimes being a grownup kinda sucks.

*especially, perhaps, because I don't have sisters -- these ladies filled in on the pre-wedding girl-talk.

Joy

2009-11-30T13:38:00.000-08:00

What we did:

How we felt:

It just makes you dizzy...

Hard to believe that it's been a month already!

See more of Kate Harrison's exuberant artistry here.

Zen and the art of Thanksgiving

2009-11-24T07:00:00.000-08:00

Wedding planning is not the only social occasion to have been professionalized and perfected to the point of making ordinarily sane people crazy.

In the age of local, free-range, organic, fair trade food, Thanksgiving has its own conundrums (conundra?), including whether to serve turkey at all.

Consider, as the New York Times explains:

Your grandmother did not have to worry about this; a turkey was a turkey. Your turkey, however, must be free range and organic, and your sweet potatoes should be heirloom and local. Not only should you pick our own pumpkin, you should process it yourself (while hearing the voice of Martha Stewart say that she would never throw away the seeds — such a tragedy that would be!), and not only should you make your own fudge, but you should use the appropriate (fair trade and high cocoa content) chocolate. It’s a wonder you’re not making your own marshmallows, though Martha thinks perhaps you should.
Put this all together, along with your own sense of inadequacy (if you don’t have one, congrats — but are you sure?) and you have a situation that cannot be other than overwhelming.

Given all this pressure toward perfection, the Times has a perfect Thanksgiving recipe: just relax. After all,

When did performance anxiety and guilt become prerequisites for offering family and friends nourishment and hospitality?

Words the queen of social stress needs to hear! It's so easy to focus on what could go wrong, rather than on what will inevitably go right when dear ones are gathered at Thanksgiving, a wedding or any other social event.

We'll be joining friends and colleagues in San Francisco -- so much easier when someone else plans the menu!

Wishing you all a happy and relaxing Thanksgiving!!!

How green was our wedding?

2009-11-22T16:55:00.000-08:00

I'm still having a hard time digesting our glorious Beach Day into bite-size pieces suitable for blog-serving. It was epic. It was metaphysically earth-shaking. It was one of the most beautiful days ever. How do I take that and turn it into blog recaps? I don't yet know.

I do want to share what we did, and what we learned in this space, eventually. When we first started planning the wedding, I was lost at sea, awash in an overwhelming number of opinions, options, and "musts." The sane voices out there were such a welcome respite from all the gauzy images and lists of must dos (on which I was eternally behind!). I want to add our experience to the catalog of sanity.

It was important to us to have a wedding in line with our daily values, as environmental professionals. I've found tips for sane and green weddings all over the web. Before the wedding, I started to compare our plans with this list of eco-chic wedding tips from San Francisco Style Unveiled. Herewith, some more of the results:

26. Order your programs to be printed on 100% recycled post
consumer waste paper that has been processed without chlorine.
hmmm... Mr. Barefoot got them printed at the local print shop. Not sure what kind of paper was used. I'd have to say, though, forgoing programs entirely would probably be a more eco-friendly alternative. As I wrote here, unless the ceremony is in a religious tradition that many guests are unfamiliar with, it's not like there's so much going on that people can't keep track of it.

27. Rather than hosting a full bar, have a personalized cocktail made of organic ingredients – including organic vodka.
Fail. Beer, wine and gin were from BevMo. Sometimes, convenience rules.

29. Use food that is in-season for the reception.
Check. Katie Powers Catering focuses on local, organic, seasonal food that is shockingly delicious! People are still talking about the food!

30. Keep the wedding small. The more guests you invite, the bigger the carbon footprint left from the wedding.
Define 'small.' It all depends on your point of view. For folks with huge, gregarious families, a 100-person wedding might seem small. From my point of view, it was by far the biggest party I'd ever thrown.

31. Donate the flowers from your wedding to a hospital.
Or how 'bout you guests? All the flowers and vases went home with guests. Check.

32. Give each guest an 11-watt compact fluorescent bulb as a favor. Each replaced 50-watt incandescent bulb with the wedding favor will save 685 pounds of carbon dioxide.
Neat idea. Maybe next time...

33. Give a recycled handmade paper bookmark with wildflower seeds as a favor. This can be planted once they are finished using it.
Check. Something like that... we gave these birdseed hearts - the guests can share the love with our feathered friends. I'm not convinced that favors are absolutely necessary, but these were so cute, and in keeping with Mr. Barefoot's love of birds, that they felt right.

34. Purchase wedding shoes that you will wear again.
Oh, yeah, baby. Can't wait to wear the Jimmy's to holiday parties!!! That's why I bought 'em. Check.

35. Use a caterer who composts the leftover food.
hmmm.... honestly, I have no idea what they did with the leftover food. I would have been really stoked to bring home a doggie bag or two - it was that good!

36. Use locally grown flowers for your arrangements.
Check. Hooray for Local Flora! I have to show you her gorgeous arrangements.

37. Throw rose petals after the ceremony, rather than releasing butterflies.
Or nothing. Our national park beach location precluded throwing or releasing anything, which was just fine with me. Who wants to pick birdseed out of your hair on your wedding night? Check.

38. Give antique wedding bands to each other.
See #47.

39. Have your invitations made on bamboo paper.
How 'bout cotton paper, with some post-consumer content?

40. If you want to have a camera at each table for guests to use, rent the digital ones rather than single use.
Check. How many dozens of digital cameras were flashing that day??? We did get some single use cameras at the dollar store for the kids to play with. Quite a lot of fun for them. I wonder how many pictures of knees we have.

41. Travel by train, rather than by plane.
Does taking BART to try on my wedding dress count?

42. Purchase your dress or tuxedo from a vintage boutique.
Fail. New stuff all the way. Mr. Barefoot got a swanky handmade suit; my dress was from a bridal boutique. His suit is clearly re-wearable, which is how I convinced him to get a new one for the wedding (he was fine with wearing one of his two current suits). My dress, not so much. The question now is what to do with it? Initially, I had thought I'd donate it to Brides Against Breast Cancer, or possibly sell it, but I'm feeling more sentimental post-wedding. And I really want to wear it again < blushes >. Suggestions?

43. Take an eco-considerate honeymoon. Travel close to home or consider eco-tourism for your honeymoon destination.
Does hiking and whale-watching count? Patagonia, here we come!!!

44. Consider having a meat-free menu at your reception.
Check. I think everyone survived. I didn't hear any complaints. See #29.

45. Have an outdoor ceremony and reception.
Check, on the ceremony. The reception was indoors.

46. Hire vendors who are committed to being “green” and providing sustainable wedding practices.
Check. The best!

47. Purchase a conflict-free gem for your engagement ring.
Check. Love Brilliant Earth!

48. Live green after the wedding.
Working on it. The next initiative: cutting down on the use of paper towels and plastic containers.

49. Give organic chocolate as a favor.
Yum. Great idea. See #33.

50. Use all local wedding vendors.
Check.

Love in the age of Facebook

2009-11-13T17:58:00.000-08:00

While cleaning out my email in-box, post wedding, I came across this message:

Eric said on Facebook that you two are married. We need you to confirm that you are, in fact, married to Eric.

To confirm this relationship request, follow the link below:
http://www.facebook.com/n/?home

It made me wonder: do people going around "spousing" those they are not married to?

Could I "spouse" a bunch of friends to make a simultaneous stand for marriage equality, and for polyamory?

If FB allows same-sex couples to spouse each other, is FB implicitly making a stand for same-sex marriage? Have opponents of same-sex marriage realized this, and if so, will they start to boycott Facebook?

Does the legal definition of marriage in the state or country where a user is based determine who they can "spouse"?

In a country that allows polygymy, would men be able to spouse more people than in a country that does not?

Who needs the New York Times Weddings section when you've got Facebook??? Not only is there waaaay more information on our FB pages than in the genteel bios of the Style section, but now my far-flung friends also know of our new status.

I can't wait...

2009-11-11T12:22:00.000-08:00

... to see more of Kate Harrison's amazing photos from Beach Day!

A tantalizing peek is here.

It makes me cry everytime

2009-11-11T07:00:00.000-08:00

Though not necessarily crafty in the usual material sense, our friends are gifted when it comes to words, music, and images. Two of Mr. Barefoot's friends played folk and bluegrass music at the cocktail hour. You've already seen some of the fantastic photos friends and relatives shot that day.

The ceremony, which featured readings from my two brothers, two close college friends of mine, and three grad school friends of Mr. Barefoot's, along with a blessing from my mother, the one minister on site who had been ordained through a proper bricks-and-mortar seminary, was my favorite part of the day.

A dear friend became the Rev. Jo B for the day, repaying a debt, with interest - as he pointed out - incurred when I was flower girl, ring bearer, officiant, and witness at the impromptu ceremony atop a Kauai hill joining him and my dear college friend more than a decade ago. The children of this couple, along with my nephew were our adorable flower children.

Our officiant's wife, one of my dearest friends and Woman of Honor, read this poem. I tear up every time I read it.

Teodoro Luna's Two Kisses

Mr. Teodoro Luna in his later years had taken to kissing
His wife
Not so much with his lips as with his brows.
This is not to say he put his forehead
Against her mouth--
Rather, he would lift his eyebrows, once, quickly:

Not so vigorously he might be confused with the villain
Famous in the theaters, but not so little as to be thought
A slight movement, one of accident. This way
He kissed her
Often and quietly, across tables and through doorways,

Sometimes in photographs, and so through the years themselves.
This was his passion, that only she might see. The chance
He might feel some movement on her lips
Toward laughter.

-- Alberto Rios

A wedding hike

2009-11-09T07:00:00.000-08:00

I had very few particular dreams about my wedding. However, I'd always known that I wanted to be barefoot: grounded to the earth, and bare-headed: open to the sky.

These requirements meant that the wedding had to be outdoors. I had dreamed of getting married high on a bluff, reflecting our love of the mountains, but we knew that for the comfort of our younger and older guests, this was not to be. When we found a reception site less than a mile from the beach (itself a few miles from where we got engaged), it was clearly the ideal spot. The location was even more special because I had once worked on the land, restoring native plants to the area.

We could incorporate our love of hiking and the outdoors into the ceremony, by inviting guests to park at the reception site, and stroll 20 minutes down to the beach.

While Beach Day dawned sunny and bright, the fog moved in at midday, obscuring my vision of the 'perfect' day. My friends insisted that the fog added a romantic, ethereal touch. I tried to believe them. The previous day's rehearsal had been hot and sunny. Where was that weather when we needed it???

But where is the beach? On a clear day, you can see the waves from this point.

Not only was it foggy, it was chilly. Our guests are bundled up in heavy coats!

Such dense fog! Those faint white lines at the top of the photo are chairs at the ceremony site on the beach. From the crest of the path, you can see the beach, and Rodeo Lagoon, separated from the ocean by a thin strip of sand.

Oh, there are the chairs! But where are the waves??? The fog is so thick you can hardly see the water from the beach.

The walk to the beach was one of the very best parts of an utterly fantastic day. The festivities had officially begun, but we weren't yet in deeply in the swirl of it. It was just the nearest and dearest, out for a hike, albeit in fancy clothes.

Two of my oldest friends - my Ladies in Waiting, as they dubbed themselves - helped carry the back of my dress, keeping me from fleeing, we joked.
"This is surreal. I don't feel like myself," I said, struggling to remain calm.
"This is a ritual moment of transition. You're not supposed to feel like yourself," one of the Ladies sagely responded.

Guests gathered in the gloom on the beach.

When guests reached the beach, they could kick off their shoes and wiggle their toes in the sand. I wore spangled flip-flops for the walk, replacing them with the glorious Jimmy Choos later for dancing.

Here we come... The fog is lifting! Hooray!

Fog lifting over the lagoon....

The last wisps of fog are vanquished by the warm, autumn sunshine!
An apt metaphor for love.

Thanks to guests Madeleine and Srabani for the photos!

On the utility of a honeymoon

2009-11-08T13:01:00.000-08:00

Our Beach Day was so momentous and powerful in so many ways that it's been difficult to break it into bite size pieces suitable for blog posts.

Add to that the extreme fatigue and inertia I've felt ever since the wedding, and you can see why posting's been a bit slow lately.

By Sunday evening, after the wedding, I felt like a balloon from which all the air has suddenly escaped... so much excitement, energy and enthusiasm for so long, and then vrrroooooooossssshhhhhhh! all the air escapes, and the balloon deflates. This, in itself, is a good argument for escaping to a tropical beach for a couple weeks. Our work schedules didn't allow more than a couple days off - though we've got a big trip planned over the winter holidays, that doesn't provide the R&R needed immediately post-wedding.